Urkel Syndrome: You are Enough.

Have you ever really liked someone? Have you ever been head over heels in love, so much so that you’ll go through anything to be with her? How many times would you ask her out; once, twice, three times? Are you willing to pretend to like what she likes just to impress her? Are you willing to use whatever pick-up line or technique you learned from the internet to woo her? Are you willing to be anyone but yourself to get the girl? Is she all you think about to the point of distraction, regardless of how much she may (or may not) be thinking about you?

Steve Urkel Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Q. Urkel!

If you answered yes to these questions, you are suffering from Urkel syndrome. For those of you who have never watched Family Matters, Steven Q. Urkel is a nerd and a geek (yes, you can be both). He is a geek because he fails to conform to societal norms of how a man should look and behave. He is skinny and frail-looking. His voice is whiny. He wears high-water pants and suspenders that hike them up past his belly button. At first glance, Steve Urkel is different, to say the least.

However, Steve is also a nerd. Ask any of the high achievers thriving in the Chicago business world, and they will tell you. Nerds are always cool. Why do you ask? Well, nerds are smart. They suck up information and use it better than anyone else around them. Nerds become successful business owners, inventors, writers, law professors, and presidents. In case you haven’t noticed from my writing, I’m a nerd, and I’m damn proud of it! I am who I am, and I have nothing to hide. black-from-ct-in-the-chi1.jpg

Exhibit A: I am who I am. Get at me.

All of Steve’s positive qualities are derived from his nerdiness. He’s an inventor who concocts contraptions that no one else can think of. Are they always useful? No, but they’re original, and he had the courage and creativity to experiment. That is an admirable quality. Due to his ability to consume all of the information around him, Steve is also a whiz at basketball. Despite his slight frame and lack of height, he schools his opponents with his knowledge of the game. If you think that’s unrealistic, look up Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, and John Stockton. None of these players were highlight reel athletes in their primes, but they are all Hall of Famers and clear basketball nerds. Despite being ridiculed by his teammates, Steve Urkel’s nerdiness made him an indispensable part of his team. That’s usually how nerdiness works. They mock you until they realize how much they need you.

My man Steve saved the game without a single dunk.

So Steve Urkel, the inventor and star basketball player, has a lot going for him. He has a bright future and will most likely become a great scientist, star athlete, or anything else he puts his mind to. He has the potential to make his family proud, earn a good living, and even be world famous; all because of his brilliant mind. Still, Steve Urkel has one obsession that he just can’t let go. He holds an undying love for Laura Winslow(the girl who rejected him at the end of the clip), and she doesn’t love him back.

Laura Winslow The lopsided love of Steve’s life.

For the bulk of the television series, Laura wants nothing to do with Steve. While he chases her around and confesses his undying love to her, Laura dates the popular guys in school. Sound familiar? Laura is usually mean to Steve, and though he sometimes stands up for himself, he never leaves her side. He even goes as far as using his intellect to create a serum of his DNA that he dubs “Cool Juice” to transform himself into his alter ego, Stefan Urquelle.

Stefan Urquelle Smooth Operator.

Stefan is smooth and socially adept, but he lacks Steve’s intellect. They are complete opposites, and Laura falls head over heels for Stefan until she realizes that Steve cares a lot more for her. Throughout the rest of the series, Steve’s undying love for Laura never wavers. At first she continues to reject him. Later, she slowly turns around and returns her feelings for him. This takes well over fifteen years.

What frustrates me the most about guys like Steve, is that they don’t think that they are good enough to be happy right now. They don’t think that what they have is good enough, and if it truly isn’t, they don’t try to build on who they are and improve themselves. They try to become someone else for the sake of impressing women who have made zero effort to impress them. There’s nothing wrong with Stefan Urquelle, if that’s really you, but Steve Urkel doesn’t have to suppress his brains with the “Cool Juice” and hide an important part of himself for the sake of impressing a girl. He is fine the way he is. If Laura isn’t attracted to Steve, then so be it.  She isn’t the only girl in Chicago, and if I were him, I would move on.

If you still buy into the whole “alpha male” mentality(a.k.a nonsense), guys like Steve Urkel are considered the beta males in our society; not because they’re actually inferior, but because somebody out there just decided that they were beta. Stefan Urquelle is considered alpha, not because he’s superior, but because someone said he’s alpha. These designations of social status are arbitrary. If you step back and look at Steve and Stefan, they are complete opposites but they are also equals; one with the talk and the other with the brains. Still, because Steve Urkel behaves in a way that others may not understand, he is told that he is not good enough. He is placed in a social caste without anyone actually asking him who he would like to be. Laura places Steve below her, and he succumbs to her worldview. He is willing to change himself to win her over because society has told him that he is inadequate. Society has taught him not to love himself despite all of his good qualities. For someone so smart, he’s so naïve. He buys the lies like a well-trained sucker and seeks to change himself to win Laura’s heart; unaware that if he has to stop being himself to gain it, then he’ll never truly have it.

Myra This is what Steve actually walked away from. Yep. Let that sink in.

Due to his undying obsession over a woman who doesn’t want him, Steve does something else that frustrates me. He loses a woman who loves him for who he is. Myra is a woman who loves everything about Steve; even down to his snorting laugh. She isn’t perfect, but a lot of her issues stem from her confusion over Steve’s infatuation with Laura. She has no idea why he’s so fixated on a woman who spends her time dating everyone but him. Meanwhile, while Myra’s sitting right in front of Steve, all he can think about is somebody else. Instead of sticking with the woman who likes him for who he is, he chases the woman who will never be satisfied with the real him. If you’ve been through this, you know how infuriating it is. On television, Steve eventually gets the woman he wants, after years of thankless effort. In real life, he gets neither. One will always run from him. The other gets fed up and moves on with her life, despite the fact that you were probably perfect together.

Seriously. This is so perfect it’s scary, and he still let her go.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you ever watched a woman run from you into the arms of another man and ask yourself if you did something wrong? Well, you did. You got tied up with the wrong woman. Let me tell you from experience that I have never had to chase any woman for a date. The women I asked out twice, or even three times, were always busy until they had a boyfriend. Those situations can make you feel like you have to change something about yourself; that maybe if you did this or that differently, you could’ve gotten the girl. Maybe if you were more like the other guy, you would have more success. Maybe if you changed into someone else, she would have wanted you. Meanwhile, there is a woman right next to you who doesn’t require you to change a thing, doesn’t require you to chase her, and doesn’t look down on you. That woman is wondering why you are wasting your time chasing someone else. She will eventually move on because she is tired of you taking her for granted, and who can blame her? I’ve made this mistake more times than I would like to admit. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.

I’m not saying that you should pursue anything with a woman just because she happens to like you. That’s not fair to you or her. What I am saying is that, unlike Steve Urkel, it is high time that you accepted and valued yourself and acted accordingly. Be that nerd, geek, inventor, basketball player, and have the balls to ask Laura out once. If she doesn’t make herself available to you, have the balls to keep it moving. You have nothing else to prove to anyone, and that includes her. Instead of fixating on the one who never has time, focus your efforts on people who make time. Like a wise man once told me, don’t try to fit in with anyone. Instead, find people who fit in with you. Your romantic relationships should be no different.

You are enough.You are more than how society tries to make you feel; which in turn makes you feel like you want to buy their products so they can make money off of your insecurities. If you think that’s all in my head, watch how the media treats women. Those makeup ads and magazine covers tell women that they’re not good enough every day. She must wear this brand of make-up so that he can think she’s pretty; until the make-up comes off and he calls the police to report an intruder in his home.  She must have this (photo-shopped!) body for him to find her desirable; until he gets irritated because she’s asked him for the hundredth time if she looks fat.  Follow “The Rules”, and he will love her; until he figures out that she’s playing head games and runs into the arms of a woman he can actually trust to be honest with him. It’s cool to wear makeup, work out for the body you want, and have standards for your dating life; but not when the intent behind it involves losing yourself to catch a man, and the same goes in reverse.  Convincing people to feel inadequate and then offering them a manufactured way to improve is an old hustle that has simultaneously made money for businesses and ruined people’s lives for years. If you think that such a lucrative strategy targets only women, you’ve already been duped. Smarten up and think for yourself, or you’ll be a sucker too.

Call me a critic. Call me old-school, but I think Urkel Syndrome can be cured by thinking for yourself, loving yourself, and only hanging with people who appreciate the real you. Pickup techniques work in the short-term(sometimes) until your confidence is tested. If you believe in those techniques more than yourself, you will fail because real people can smell your fakeness a mile away. Wearing the right clothes is entirely too subjective. The reaction I get from women doesn’t really change whether I’m wearing jeans, sweatpants, a shirt and tie, or a suit. I wear whatever makes me feel comfortable at the time because the right people will be drawn to the man under the clothes, not the clothes themselves. I’m often wary of anyone who actually thinks that the clothes make the man. Such superficiality usually doesn’t lend itself to anything positive, and if it’s not positive, I don’t want it. There’s really no reason to settle for less.

Look, at the end of the day, there is just no substitute for being yourself and accepting yourself for your strengths and improving your weaknesses. You are enough, and if there is anything about you that you are not satisfied with, work at it. Improve upon yourself. Don’t try to be someone else, and don’t try to impress the people around you by subscribing to a load of nonsense that makes you feel inadequate. Like the title of this blog suggests, I want everyone who reads this to be themselves with no apologies. Unless you do that, you will never be happy. When you do, you won’t be able to see yourself living any other way. With that thought, I leave you with this awesome speech from Ashton Kutcher. Apparently, he never lost sight of the fact that he was enough. If that’s good enough for him, then why not you? You are who you are. Accept yourself, and don’t bother with anyone who can’t accept you.

You are enough, my friends.

No Apologies,

G. Miller

p.s. This will be my last post for the next three weeks as I study myself silly for the bar exam. Next installment: July’s Rule Your Nation Awards.

Photo Sources:

Steve Urkel:  http://www.octavarius.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/steve-urkel-224×324.jpg

Laura Winslow:  http://images.tvrage.com/cguide/18/1312.jpg

Myra:  http://cdn.madamenoire.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/michelle-thomas-02.jpg

Stefan Urquelle:  http://images.tvrage.com/people/11/30100.jpg

The Rule Your Nation Awards: Live your life to the fullest!

This week’s post is an introduction to the Rule Your Nation Awards. On the last Sunday of every month, I will highlight someone who exemplifies what it means to Rule Your Nation. Qualifications include: standing up against injustice, achieving a great milestone, acting with courage, or anything else that shows that you are just an awesome person in general. Everyone is in control of their lives and the trajectory it takes. Today, I will give credit to four people who have decided to take control of their lives and live them to the fullest.

Kyle Carpenter from wikipedia

Corporal William “Kyle” Carpenter

This Marine recently received the Medal of Honor for diving on top of a grenade to protect his friend. After the explosion, Carpenter was severely injured and underwent nearly 40 surgeries. While he was being treated, Carpenter flat lined three times, but he recovered and is now retired. It’s impressive enough that this man is willing to fight for his country and keep us all safe. With this act, he went the extra mile for his fellow Marine and showed the willingness to pay the ultimate sacrifice.

It takes a lot of selflessness, self-control, and unflinching bravery to do what Carpenter did. It is unlikely that he was thinking about his own recognition when he put his life on the line, and that is all the more reason why he deserves it. The Medal of Honor was made for people like him. Much respect to you, Corp. William Kyle Carpenter. You Rule Your Nation better than all of us with bravery. This writer salutes you.

Kawhi Leonard ESPN

Kawhi Leonard

Kawhi Leonard is a 6’7, 230 lbs. small forward for the new NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs. This year marks only his fourth season in the NBA, but he was named the Finals MVP after battling the basketball behemoth that is Lebron James. Leonard is the youngest NBA player to earn that award since his teammate Tim Duncan won it in 1999. As great as that feat is alone, it’s how he won the award that truly matters. Kawhi Leonard doesn’t talk trash. He’s not all over the media. He is literally only known for what he does on the court. Kawhi Leonard let his game speak for him to the tune of 17.8 points per game on 61 percent shooting against the Miami Heat.

There is also another reason that makes Leonard’s achievement extra special. In 2008, Kawhi Leonard lost his father to gun violence; finding out about his father’s death while he was riding in his mother’s car after a high school basketball game. Losing a loved one is always tragic, but in typical Kawhi Leonard fashion, he has pushed through to where he is now. It was only fitting that he held an NBA Championship Trophy and an MVP Award on Father’s Day. Much respect, Kawhi Leonard. You Rule Your Nation through actions alone, and few athletes can do it better.

Mario Balotelli from wikipedia

Mario Barwuah Balotelli

Mario Balotelli is an Italian soccer player who is also the son of Ghanaian immigrants. Despite growing up in Italy, Balotelli has endured racial prejudice from his own countrymen who have decided to throw bananas at him during his games; because that’s not ignorant in the slightest. Continue to play for your country in the face of such disgusting behavior is worthy of note. Still, Balotelli does not take the abuse lying down. After a loss during the World Cup, he decided to respond to some racist tweets:

“Perhaps, as some of you say, I’m not really Italian. The Africans wouldn’t have blamed one of their brothers. Never. In this, we black, as you call us, are light years ahead of you. Disgrace is not one that misses a goal or runs less or more. Disgraceful are these things (unfair criticism).”

Despite the fact that black people have lived in Italy for hundreds of years (look it up!), Balotelli apparently is not Italian enough for some people. If you don’t think that’ s insulting, try walking up to a black man in New York City and telling him he’s not a real American. This blog will always support people who speak up for themselves in the face of racial prejudice. Therefore, Mario Balotelli receives the Rule Your Nation Award. Congrats, Mario Balotelli. You are Ruling Your Nation by being yourself in the face of ridicule, and no one can take that away from you.

Olivia Wilde Wikipedia

Olivia Wilde

One of my favorite actors since she played Thirteen on House, MD, Olivia Wilde always came off to me as the kind of woman who was cool but didn’t tolerate disrespect. In light of her recent response to a movie review that implied that her “tush” was too good-looking for her to play a writer (or even a literate adult) in the film Third Person, I think my theory has merit. She replied on Twitter(paraphrasing), “Kiss my smart ass.” Not bad, Wilde. Not bad at all.

Aside from the fact that I’ve met a good number of intelligent, fine women who prove that review very wrong, the notion that being physically attractive negates the need for intelligence is an outdated relic. I personally like my women smart and hot, but I digress. The true issue here is that nobody says that a man is too good-looking for a career, so it shouldn’t be said about a woman. Kudos to you, Olivia Wilde. Never let someone tell you that you can’t do something; especially if it’s because of your tush (a.k.a because you’re a woman). You are Ruling Your Nation with the confidence necessary to live by your own standards. Keep it up, and show them how it’s done.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I mean when I encourage you to Rule Your Nation. Be willing to go the extra mile. Let your actions speak for you. Be yourself, even in the face of disapproval. Live by your own standards. You don’t have to be a celebrity to do this. You just have to live your life without apologizing for it. I hope these stories blessed you as much as they blessed me. Now go out there and write your own!

Rule Your Nation, my friends.

No Apologies,

G.Miller

p.s. If anyone has any ideas for the month of July, contact me at miller.grantj@gmail.com. All submissions will be considered, but only four will be chosen. Fame or notoriety is not required. Awesomeness is.

Sources:
William Carpenter: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2014/06/president-obama-awards-medal-of-honor-to-marine-who-dove-in-front-of-grenade/. Photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyle_Carpenter#mediaviewer/File:KyleCarpenter19m04sVideoFrame.png

Kawhi Leonard: http://espn.go.com/nba/playoffs/2014/story/_/id/11090861/kawhi-leonard-trip-finals-mvp-dad.  Photo:  same link.

Mario Balotelli: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/italy/10926080/Mario-Balotelli-hits-out-at-racist-detractors-after-being-blamed-for-Italys-World-Cup-exit.html.  Photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mario_Balotelli#mediaviewer/File:Balotelli_wears_the_2014_Italy_Home_Kit_02_(cropped).jpg

Olivia Wilde: http://jezebel.com/olivia-wilde-tells-gq-to-kiss-my-smart-ass-595862075.
Photo: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olivia_Wilde#mediaviewer/File:Olivia_Wilde_in_2010_Independent_Spirit_Awards_(cropped).jpg

The Jerk v.s. The Strong Man: Which will you be?

Women like jerks. Act like you don’t care, and they’ll run to you. Treat her like dirt, and she’ll stick to you like mud (shout out to my homegirl Amanda for that one!). These are the phrases you hear when people tell you that women like bad boys, and far too many men subscribe to this mentality. I always cringe when I hear guys complain that women always like Jerks for a few reasons.

Stop Being a Baby!

Let’s be real. The complaining guy is usually being a baby. You didn’t get the girl you wanted, she went with someone else whom you happen to not like, even if you’re justified in not liking him, and now you say that women like Jerks. This has nothing to do with her choice in men. You’re just frustrated because she didn’t choose you. I’ve been there. It’s no fun. Get over it. Oh, and for God’s sake, don’t become a Jerk because you think that’s what it takes to meet women. I’ll explain why I’m saying that in a moment.

Don’t Be the Jerk. Be the Strong Man!

Still, there are some women who genuinely do like Jerks. I’ve heard women describe, with a smiles on their faces, a man who was testy and hot-tempered. I’ve seen women giggle with delight at the mention of a man fighting someone. I’ve even seen some women try to get me to compete over them with another man (i.e.: “You know, Jon’s coming over too.”). Usually the other guy falls for it, and tries to cut me down and talk over me while she waits for my response with a wide smile on her face. Once I figure out what’s going on, I just walk away; much to the chagrin of the woman who tried to get us to butt heads over her as if we were her pet Billie goats. She is clearly trying to manipulate a desired reaction out of me, and I won’t give it to her. She’s looking for a weak Jerk who needs to clamber over another man’s shoulders to get a date, and she’s not going to find one here.


Ever wondered how you look when you compete for a woman? Yep. Sexy.

Before we get into why some women like Jerks, and why some don’t, I’ll describe the Jerk. Popular culture tells you that women like the Jerk because he’s the alpha male. Aside from the ineffectiveness behind “alpha male” culture in general (refer to my previous post “Rule Your Nation”), giving this designation to a Jerk is inaccurate. The Jerk is not a leader. He is callous, cruel, rude, selfish, controlling, dishonest, and manipulative. When he sees a girl he likes, whom you happen to be talking to, he tries to push you out of the way by talking over you, trying to get you to do what he says, and even standing between you and her. I once watched a guy literally surround a woman I was talking to with a group of his friends and then escort her to class just to make sure she only spoke to him.

Yes, you read that correctly, and I hope you laughed as hard as I did when I wrote it.

The Jerk thinks that the world revolves around him, and anyone who thinks differently is guilty of blasphemy; or just makes him insecure. This doesn’t stop at women and relationships. If the Jerk wants your position at work, he’s coming after you. Instead of working hard and moving up, he resorts to sabotage and manipulation. He will talk behind your back and try to get everyone on his side as he moves to isolate you with rumors and false allegations. If he succeeds, you’re packing your stuff. If he fails, you now have to watch your back every day as you look for a new job.

If you disagree with the Jerk, or do the slightest thing he doesn’t like, well, that’s just unacceptable. He will challenge you to a fight for the following reasons: you looked at his girlfriend, you rooted for the other team during a basketball game, or you spilled ketchup on his shoes. Does that sound ridiculous? Yes. Does it also sound familiar? It should. Everyone has met a Jerk, or even been one at some point in our lives. He’s not a good person to meet or emulate, and if you are still a Jerk, I pity you. You can change, and I recommend that you do.

What do women see in Jerks?

So why would a woman like this kind of man? The answer is surprisingly simple. She is looking for a Strong Man, and she thinks that she has found him. Why shouldn’t she? The Jerk certainly seems strong at first glance. He looks out for himself. He is willing to fight for what he wants. He is willing to compete for her; which OF COURSE means he must really love and value her. In her eyes, the Jerk is a confident go-getter and protector in a dangerous world. What woman wouldn’t want that?

Of course, that perception screeches to a halt when the Jerk’s aggressive, controlling nature turns on her. Her admiration stops when he insists on driving her everywhere she goes, answers her phone calls for her, and demands that she change her clothes before a date if they’re not to his liking. Her admiration ceases when he puffs up and gets territorial (a.k.a insecure) every time she talks to another guy; even if he’s a friend of hers. She then realizes that the Jerk wasn’t competing over her because he liked her. He was competing because he wanted to win, and she is now his prized possession; which really means that she is an object that he owns.

It’s around this point in the relationship that the woman dating The Jerk realizes that she might have made a mistake. She realizes that his strength doesn’t really protect. It actually causes her more problems than he is worth. Her appreciation for his strength weakens when he screams at a guy for looking at his girl; not her name, just “his girl”. Her appreciation for his strength decreases further when he gets into a fight at her favorite restaurant for the third time, and they’re not allowed back anymore. Her respect for him wanes when he meets his match and catches a beat down, and she now has to pick him up in the emergency room; because there is nothing sexier than a man who just got stomped out like a cigarette.


A Strong Man protects his girlfriend from a couple of Jerks.

While I’m on this subject, let me use the above clip to make this distinction. Fighting to protect your girlfriend is honorable and will definitely earn a woman’s love and admiration. Fighting out of jealousy, or to prove who has the bigger dick, is embarrassing and a quick way to lose her respect for you; doubly so if you lose. After she drops him off from the hospital, the woman breaks up with The Jerk (from a safe distance and usually via text), and starts to wonder where all the good guys are. Meanwhile, the good guys have long forgotten about her after labeling her as “the girl who dates jerks.” Sadly, her search for a Strong Man continues.

There are many reasons why the Jerk is, well, a Jerk. He might come from a family of Jerks. He might have been a nice person who grew up in an environment full of Jerks and turned into a Jerk because he felt that was the only way to gain respect. He might be a sociopath regardless of his environment. There are also many reasons why the woman dates the Jerk. She might be a Jerk herself, and they subsequently have a lot in common (Why does almost nobody think of this explanation?). She might have grown up in a family of Jerks, and it’s all she knows. Either way, this girl chose a Jerk over you because she equates the Jerk with strength. Logically, that means that she equates you with weakness.

Fortunately for you, she is wrong. You don’t have to be a Jerk to be strong, and real Strong People know that. In fact, being a Jerk is often a sign of weakness. I will illustrate a perfect example from my childhood. While I was in middle school there was a kid who sat in the back of the bus. We’ll call him Gary for now. Gary was older than the other kids, and he felt like that gave him the right to push other kids around. One day, he decided to throw rubber bands at people’s heads. Everyone got mad and told him to stop, but he didn’t listen. However, when he aimed his rubber band at a boy we’ll call Brandon, their conversation went as follows:

Brandon(with a calm voice): “Don’t put that in my face.”

Gary: “Or what?”

Brandon: “Or I’ll punch you in the face.”

Gary, being The Jerk that he was, flicked the rubber band right in Brandon’s face. Brandon promptly rose up and punched Gary so hard that his head bounced off the emergency door. When the bus driver eventually broke up the fight, Gary was bleeding and Brandon wasn’t. Brandon was the victor, and Gary’s embarrassment could have been avoided had he just left him alone. Gary remained in his seat in the back of the bus for the remainder of the school year, but he never bothered Brandon again. Being a Jerk to Brandon wasn’t worth the hassle.

Perhaps it’s because I grew up in New England where punks need not apply, but I’ve always seen this story play out. The Jerk acts like a Jerk, gets a girlfriend because he’s a Jerk, then the Jerk loses that girlfriend when someone gives him the business for being a Jerk. The strongest, toughest guys I knew growing up were almost never Jerks, but they had a knack for beating up Jerks, and it was usually in front of the girl that the Jerk was trying to impress. I learned from them that a real man doesn’t go out of his way to disrespect someone; not unless he wants to get slapped. The Jerk never seems to understand this, until you actually slap him.

Due to my slight build and laid back demeanor as a kid, I grew up the target of Jerks. As I got older, I learned that sometimes hitting the Jerk is the only way to get the message across to him that you are not to be trifled with. Politeness and respect doesn’t faze him. Reasoning with him draws laughter. Warnings are ignored. He only responds to a firm no followed with firmer action. I remember when a kid in high school literally grabbed my food during lunch and held it in his hands. I demanded it back. He then stuffed his face with the food that I paid for. I hit his face so hard that the rest of our table stopped eating. They then laughed at that Jerk for a good five minutes. He never touched my food, or sat at that table, ever again. When I worked as a bouncer, we once had a customer who was a Jerk and decided to shove one of the servers. When he pushed me, I shoved him by his throat, and my co-worker threw him out on the sidewalk. As far as I know, that Jerk never came back after that night. Jerks may appear intimidating to the faint of heart, but they’re usually nothing when you fight back.

Of course, Jerks aren’t always physically aggressive. I’ve encountered my fair share of Jerks at work and school who push for what they want without any regard for compromise. Obviously, it’s not a good idea to hit people in your adulthood, but you still have to stand up for yourself. So I say no. A lot. They are ALWAYS shocked when I say no. Then they push again. Then I say no again. This cycle continues until they learn that I cannot be moved. I don’t consider myself a Jerk, but when I’m dealing with a Jerk (male or female), I decide to be every bit as stubborn and mean about doing the right thing as they are about doing wrong. You will respect me, or you will get out of my face. Such strength in the face of adversity shocks the Jerk’s God complex. He usually has no clue how to handle it.

History is full of Strong People who are not Jerks, but I’ll use one of my favorite examples. Bruce Lee was not a Jerk, and he was as strong as they come. He was 5’7 and weighed no more than 170 lbs., but he could crack your chest with a punch or kick you across the room with his raw strength and flawless technique. Bruce wasn’t perfect, but you never hear anyone call him a Jerk or anything equivalent to it. You never hear about Bruce Lee disrespecting his wife. You never hear about Bruce Lee going out of his way to push people around; despite the fact that he could have gotten away with it. In fact, the most common stories you hear about Bruce Lee fighting anyone was when he was pestered into it by a Jerk looking to prove his manhood. In one instance, Bruce literally knocked the Jerk out with one good kick and walked out of the room like a father who had just finished spanking a child ; leaving him to think about what he had done.

That’s essentially what the Jerk amounts to; a child. Children only think of themselves. Children throw fits until you give them their way; or until they realize that they’ll never get their way. When a woman purposely dates a Jerk, it’s because she is very likely as childish as he is. Who you date often reflects how you view yourself, and she sees a Jerk as the best she can get. She confuses his childish temper tantrums with the roar of a Strong Man because she hasn’t heard the real thing before; not until the real thing stomps all over her Jerk boyfriend when he steps out of line. However, sometimes the stomping isn’t even required.

How to Handle a Jerk.


Strong Men never give the Jerk what he wants, even if it’s a fight.

Do you want to know how Strong Men respond to a Jerk? We actually don’t use violence unless we’re provoked. After all, only a fool goes around getting into senseless fights. We don’t even argue with him. Why waste your breath arguing with a child? Instead, we ignore him. I once had a guy challenge me to a fight after watching a basketball game at a sports bar. His team lost, and he didn’t like the fact that I was happy about it (I was actually happy that I had won a bet). So he commanded that I step outside so he could “kick my ass”. Did I step outside with him? Nope. Did I puff my chest, raise my chin, and use a deep commanding tone to proclaim that I was the stronger man? Nope. I ignored him. I grabbed the nearest woman and took her dancing. I then left the bar with that woman and bid him and his group of friends goodnight. He never threatened me again, and I didn’t have to raise a finger. When a Jerk tries to rain on your parade, violence is not always the answer. Living your life and having fun, despite his efforts to ruin your night, can hit just as hard as any punch. Never let a Jerk draw you into a fight that you don’t want with mere words alone. Doing so gives him way too much power over your life. Don’t give him that much respect. Nobody else with a good head on their shoulders would; especially women.

Strong Women don’t want Jerks. At all.


Strong Women are disgusted by Jerks. Can you find the Jerks in this clip? She did.

All women don’t date Jerks. In fact, Strong Women dismiss them every day. This is one of the many reasons Strong Women are so awesome. They don’t need a control freak Jerk who can “handle” them because they are perfectly capable of handling themselves. They’re not out looking for strength because they have plenty of it in spades, and they are only attracted to a man’s strength when it complements their own. The Strong Man possesses this kind of strength, and the Jerk always lacks it. When you’re a Strong Man, and you’re talking to a Strong Woman (as you should be), the Jerk tries to cock-block. Some people may tell you to stand in his way. They tell you to mark your territory like a real alpha male should.

Wrong.

If you buy into that, you’re thinking on the same low level as the Jerk. Strong Men recognize that women go where they please, not where you’ve forced them, and you’re certainly not going to force a Strong Woman to go anywhere. The truth is that if you have to compete for a woman’s attention, you’re talking to the wrong woman and should move on. Therefore, instead of competing with the Jerk, simply ignore him. If you’re talking to a Strong Woman who recognizes you as a Strong Man, she’ll brush him off so she can continue talking to you. For example, here’s what happened when a Jerk tried to cut in while I was talking to a Strong Woman:

Jerk: “Hey!”

Strong Woman (looking at me): “………”

Jerk: “Hey, why don’t you and I get out of here-”

Strong Woman: “Uh…..No.”

Jerk: “Yeah, we can head out and have a threesome!”

Strong Woman: “Ok! I really like threesomes….as long as they’re not with you.”

See what I mean? The Jerk walked away, and I got her phone number. His aggression didn’t help him because he wasn’t talking to a little girl who knew nothing about strength and would subject herself to trailing behind a Jerk. He was dealing with a Strong Woman. I grew up in a family full of Strong Men and Strong Women who taught me to be strong. I tend to attract Strong Women everywhere I go like bees to honey. They’re all different, and they have their strengths and weaknesses, but they all have one thing in common. Strong Women ALWAYS recognize a Strong Man. They recognize his passion for life, his respect for his fellow man, his zeal in the defense of his loved ones, and his tireless work ethic that brings him a strong mind, body, and spirit. She recognizes him as her equal, and she can pick him out of a crowd. A Strong Man makes her heart pump and her thighs quiver with desire. The sight of a Jerk upsets her stomach and draws bile from the bottom of her throat. For her sake and yours, be of the heart pumping, thigh quivering variety. That usually ends well.

So as I said earlier, if you see a woman dating a Jerk, and it upsets you, just get over it. She has made the choice that she has a right to make, and if he’s truly a Jerk, so be it. It’s not your problem, and you don’t have to save her from the choice she has made (unless she’s actually in physical danger). Be strong and stop being a baby about things you can’t control. The Jerk is a baby, and he tries to control everything. You’re better than him. Stand firm about being yourself and don’t compromise your beliefs because someone told you that being a Jerk is what it takes to get the girl. The truth is that being a Strong Man is what it takes to partner with a Strong Woman. Why you would settle for less than that is beyond me, but perhaps I’m biased. After all, I have no intention on being a Jerk or bothering with a woman who prefers one. Being myself and being comfortable with myself gets me by just fine, and it will do the same for you.

Be strong, my friends.

No Apologies,
G. Miller

Lessons from my Father(s)

Picture of Grandpa Philip outside of his old barbershop in Ansonia.

Picture of Grandpa Philip outside of his old barbershop in Ansonia.

In honor of Father’s Day, this post is dedicated to the father figures in my life. I’ll start off by saying that I didn’t know my biological father all that well. When he and my mother divorced, I was very young, and I only remember seeing him every once in a while. However, I have no sob story about missing a father because the men in my family stepped in and played an important role in my life that I will never forget. I am indebted to them for molding me into the person I am today. So I will highlight the lessons that they have instilled in me, not only through conversation, but by acting as living examples.

Be a Visionary

Tom is my stepfather by technicality only. I consider him my father because he has raised me since the age of eleven. During that time, I watched him take small ideas and turn them into big ones. He always possessed a level of ambition that I, as a boy who liked to stay inside and read, couldn’t quite understand at first but learned to respect. He has always been a dreamer, but he always knew how to make his dreams come true.

Born and raised in Bridgeport , Connecticut, Tom did not come from a whole lot of money. However, by the time I was a college student, we had a lavish home in a quiet suburb that he designed himself with no contracting experience. He just had an idea, and he followed through with it until he succeeded. Tom always tells me this principle:

“Don’t let anybody tell you that you can’t do it. Don’t let anyone take your dream away from you.”

Now, whenever I get discouraged, or whenever someone tries to cut me down, I remember those words. They carried me through law school, and I’ll get to that in a moment.

Fight for what you Believe

Fight for what you believe.Tom also taught me to fight for my beliefs. During law school, I didn’t always fit in with the crowd. I naively thought that having a good idea meant that I would get support from my peers. During my first year, it didn’t always work out that way. There were moments when all I wanted to do was pursue a passion and do good work. All I wanted to do was enjoy my law school experience, but the second I got the ball rolling on something, there was always someone there to try to interfere with it. Some students even resorted to lies, manipulation, and spreading rumors in their attempts to trip up my efforts and isolate me. It felt like there was a hidden agenda being pursued, and I was not supposed to be a part of it. Sometimes that’s the price of being different and stepping outside of people’s expectations of you, and I was certainly paying it.

Fortunately, three things happened during my law school experience. First, the good people I met at school never wavered and always supported me. Second, Tom was behind me the whole way encouraging me to stand up for myself and never let anyone push me around. Sometimes it worked in my favor. Other times it didn’t. However, nothing would have worked out if I didn’t have the principles instilled in me to stand up for what’s right, no matter how unpopular that stance may be. To this day, I instinctively speak up when someone does wrong. I don’t speak up because I’m a showboat, a holy roller, or an activist. I was raised by a father who I watched do the same thing every day, and I decided to follow the example that he set for me. Third, I graduated because of the support of my friends and family that gave me the strength to fight for myself when faced with some intense opposition. I was raised to not let anyone take away my dreams; not without a fight. So far, I have a pretty good record.

Always express Love to your Loved Ones

My mother’s stepfather, and my grandfather, Philip, was another huge influence in my life as a child. Despite his slight frame, he had a deep voice that could carry his North Carolina accent down the street and strong hands that felt like they could bend steel when he held my head still to cut my hair. However, he was the most loving and gentle man I’ve ever known. I remember the days when he took me and my brother out to eat every Tuesday, lit a fire in the basement, watched television with me every night, and even took me outside for golfing lessons. However, there’s one moment with him that is forever etched in my memory. One day, he called me and my brother downstairs to speak to us. He looked at me through his shaded glasses and said:

“I was driving down the street and saw an ambulance and some police cars. Turned out somebody hit a boy who was riding a bike just like yours. I couldn’t stomach it. I had to see your face and make sure you were ok.”

For any fathers reading this, don’t ever think that your children don’t remember when you make statements like that. I’m living proof that they do. Keep it up.

You Reap What You Sow

I didn’t often see my biological grandfather, Barney, during my childhood, but I decided to move in with him in Colorado after I graduated from college. It became apparent that we grew up in two different worlds. I grew up in the suburbs of Connecticut. Though I had a fair share of peers who were involved in criminal activity, I was always able to stay away from it. Barney grew up in Mississippi and had to hunt for his own food. He then managed to live in the most dangerous cities across the nation; including East St. Louis and the Watts neighborhood of Los Angeles. In those areas, the criminal element comes to you. By the time he was my age, he had learned a variety of ways to survive. He taught me a few tricks to help me defend myself from manipulative people, and that advice came in handy when I moved to Chicago. However, there was one phrase that he used over and over again:

“Son, you will always reap what you sow. That means that if you sow apple seeds, you won’t get corn. You’ll get apples.”

Every day I see this principle in action. I watch people looking for a desired result with no idea of how to get there, and when they don’t get it, they get angry at the world. Sometimes it’s comical. Other times, it’s quite sad. I refuse to be so stubborn, arrogant, and self-centered that I cannot see the error of my own ways. When I don’t get the desired result that I want, I look in the mirror and ask myself what I am doing wrong. I ask myself how I can sow the right seed to bear the fruit I hunger for. When I figure it out, I am always pleased with the results. In life, you will always reap what you sow. It’s up to you to figure out the seeds you have planted, the seeds you’re currently watering, and the fruit that comes as a result. Understand that, and life becomes much simpler. It certainly has for me.

Treat Respect like Money

On a particularly frustrating day, I sat down across from Barney and went on a tough-guy rant about how I was going to take respect from a certain person. I had it in my mind that clearly I had to do something to earn another person’s respect, even if it meant proving my toughness. Barney shook his head before he looked at me and said:

“If you have to earn someone’s respect, you’re hanging around the wrong people. You’re supposed to be respectful to people. Nobody should have to earn it from you.”

After that, I realized that respect truly is like money. Never be afraid to give it to someone, but if he doesn’t give it back, don’t give him any more. People who loan money and never get it back are usually chumps. The same goes with respect. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Simple mistakes can be overlooked, but people should only be allowed to cross the line once; whatever your line may be. I don’t care who they are. I don’t care how popular they are. I don’t care what they have done for you in the past. No one is allowed to disrespect you, and you are not required to spend time around anyone who does. There is so much freedom and power in understanding that, especially when you put it into practice. Cherish respect like money, and you’ll have a whole lot of it just the same.

The Right Woman could be the Best Thing to ever happen to You

Watching Tom and my mother for the past fourteen years has taught me what love looks like. I’m not saying that I have perfect parents, but after watching how some couples treat each other, I can confidently say that I have some damn good ones. A good marriage takes hard work and dedication, but clearly they’ve learned how to do it. After watching their example, I have a sixth sense. I can spot a happy or unhappy couple a mile away. I’m also learning how to tell if I’ll be happy with the women I meet.

I think the reason my parents were always so good to me as a kid is because they were always so good to each other, and they still are. They work together, pray together, watch movies together, dance together. They genuinely enjoy each other’s company. However, there’s one subtle thing I see them do that is a dead giveaway for a great relationship. When they walk together, they walk side-by-side. They don’t just call each other partners. They act like it every second of every day.

I’ve met women who are hell-bent on walking ahead of me as if they were superior to me in some regard. Women like that never last long with me. I’ve never seen my mother give Tom her back during a conversation, and if a woman tries that with me, she’ll look over her shoulder and find that I’m no longer there. I’ve seen men treat their girlfriends the same way, walking ten feet ahead of them as if they don’t exist. For me, there are few bigger red flags than when a man treats his girlfriend that way, and if I have a daughter, no man will be allowed to leave her behind on purpose and expect her to stick around. I have now learned that the only time I should give a woman my back is if she disrespects me and I am walking away from her to never return. Your back isn’t intended for people you care about. It’s reserved for people you don’t care enough about to look at. If someone gives you her back, and you don’t have to deal with her, don’t. Walk away and make sure she never sees you again.

My parents never give each other their backs. They give each other love, respect, and dedication, and that doesn’t happen unless you’re with the right person for the right reasons. Tom found the right woman for him, and she happened to be my mother. The two of them are all the proof I need that a positive relationship pays in dividends. Tom has taught me that settling for less would be a waste of time.

When you find the Right Woman, treat her like the Right Woman

My Uncle Bill also served as an example to me of how a man is supposed to treat his wife. At a family gathering at their house, he gave my aunt a note that she loved so much that she read out loud for all of us to hear. I won’t share the contents here, but I will say this. My Aunt and Uncle live in a very nice home. They have nice cars. They live in a safe neighborhood. However, that note was proof to me that none of those material possessions were what kept them together. It was the time, effort, and care behind writing such a thing that let my aunt know how much Uncle Bill valued their relationship.

As a single man in his twenties who has been engulfed in new age dating advice, I sometimes cringe at the thought of writing a woman a love note. In our dating culture today, that would be way too heartfelt, caring, and devoid of ulterior motives. Who would ever want that(cue the sarcastic tone)? The answer to that question is easy. Everyone may not appreciate it, but the right person will. So just save it for that person. That’s what Uncle Bill did, and that’s good enough for me.

Good People are Always Remembered.

Unfortunately, Philip passed away just over a year ago. I will always remember him as the strong but gentle man who lit a fire in the basement every night and smiled whenever he saw me come down to watch television with him. I will always remember him as the man who called me downstairs because he couldn’t bear the thought of losing his grandson. Whether he was taking me and my brother out to eat, or cutting my hair in his barbershop, I have nothing but the fondest memories of him. He was truly a positive influence in my life.

However, Philip was a positive influence on a lot more people than just me. When I attended his funeral in Bridgeport, I walked with my grandmother down the aisle and sat next to her in the front row of the church. When the preacher prompted the congregation to look around, I looked over my shoulder and saw two floors full of people; some of whom were standing from lack of seating. That church must have seated at least six hundred people. I always loved and respected Philip, but on that day I found myself in awe of him. I was in awe of the fact that I once woke up every morning and ate grits and sausage for breakfast in front of such a great man. Good people are always remembered because they can’t help but do good things, and I get the feeling that Bridgeport will always remember and love Philip. I know that I always will.

These are the lessons that I’ve learned from the men in my life. However, they still have a lot more to teach. Despite being the first person in my known family to go to law school, I find that they are still showing me the ropes. You see lawyers might wear nice suits and sometimes use big words(unnecessarily), but they are no different from Tom’s friends from the East End of Bridgeport; just like Philip’s customer’s at Carter’s Barbershop on Stratford Avenue or Barney’s old buddies from the billiards halls in Watts. I’m not going anywhere these men haven’t been; nor am I meeting anyone they haven’t met before. Therefore, I’m gleaning from them all the advice that I can get. As their son, it is my duty to represent them well, and I can never do that without learning from their successes and failures. The men in my life aren’t perfect, and neither am I, but we’re all good enough to band together when times get tough and push through anything. Thanks to them, I am convinced that there is nothing that I cannot achieve, and that’s a feeling that not everyone is lucky enough to have.

For those of you who have fathers, or father figures, in their lives right now, appreciate them. Call them. Hug them. Catch the game with them. Shoot some hoops with them. Love them for who they are day in and day out. Appreciate what you have in them because it can never be replaced. If you don’t believe that, come with me to Bridgeport, Connecticut and ask the hundreds of people who came to pay Philip their respects. They will be sure to tell you that there will never be another quite like him. It is my dream to leave a legacy just as strong as his. No one is going to take that dream from me or the right woman at my side; not without a fight. It is my hope that at the end of this post, you will feel the same way about the father figures who fought for you.

Happy Father’s Day!

No Apologies,

G.Miller

p.s. What lessons have you learned from your father (figure)? Feel free to share by commenting below!

“These Hoes Ain’t Loyal”: Why some men say it, and why it isn’t true.

These hoes ain’t loyal. Unless you have been living in seclusion for the past year, you have heard this phrase before. It’s a problematic phrase for a few reasons. It calls women “hoes.” It implies that they cannot be trusted. It implies that they are selfish. It implies that a man would be a fool to put his trust in a woman. This phrase sends a clear message to all the men out there. It is stupid to love a woman because “these hoes ain’t loyal.” Therefore, we as men must use them before they use us.

Some women might say that if a man utters this phrase, he never had any respect for women to begin with; that he’s a misogynistic pig. They will argue that if a man believes this phrase, he will use it as an excuse to mistreat women. He will blame the victim when he lies, cheats, and manipulates the women in his life. He will use it as an excuse to fuel his sexist agenda. Further, he will only use it to degrade a woman who leaves him for a better man. Therefore, this phrase must be attacked and eliminated before it hurts countless women worldwide.

Fortunately, both sides of this argument are equally wrong. The problem with the “hoes ain’t loyal” philosophy is that it is not only degrading, but over-inclusive. It is no different from a woman saying that all men want is sex. By using this phrase, men are throwing the baby out with the bath water and damaging whatever positive relationships they’ve had with women in the process. The problem with attacking all men who use this phrase (instead of the phrase itself) is that all of them don’t have an agenda to keep women down. Much like “the friendzone” (see my previous post, Friendzone Revamped), the wording of this phrase is an ineffective method of describing a real problem in our relationships today.

I refuse to agree with the statement that “these hoes ain’t loyal.” It is offensive to women, and it insults to my intelligence as a man. However, I believe that most men who use this phrase are not using it to maintain the superiority of the man in our society. They’re saying it to protect themselves and other men from a type of selfishness that I have seen all too often. In order to bridge the gap and aid both genders, I propose that we drop this phrase altogether. Instead, we should narrow this problem down to a certain type of woman. Instead of calling her a hoe, I’m going to name her Delilah for the purposes of a story that illustrates the kind of toxic experience that many men fear will happen to them if they trust a woman. My story will also demonstrate why mistrusting women in general is not the answer.

Delilah is a twenty-five year old Seattle native who recently earned her MBA from Harvard Business School, graduating with high honors. She is tall with olive skin, jet black hair, blue eyes, a white smile, and a pair of legs that could stop traffic. On top of that, her resume was a thing of beauty. Everything about Delilah screamed future success; except one thing of course. The job market sucked, and it was hard to find work.

Living in Boston was expensive, but Delilah found a way to get by as a bartender in a local pub. She used her smile and charm to get lots of loyal customers, but there was one customer in particular who had her interest. His name was Samson, and he was a law student who clerked for a medium-sized firm in Downtown Boston. He was tall, dark, and handsome, but he was broke. Delilah wanted a man with a lot more money, but she could never seem to meet one who was single.

However, Samson looked promising. With a law degree and the right connections, he could be the man of her dreams; or at least lead her to him. So when Samson ordered his drink, Delilah slipped him her phone number. Samson called her a couple days later, and they had their first date; an expensive dinner that really broke Samson’s pockets. After all, with a woman as fine as Delilah, you have to break the bank to impress her. That was what Samson told himself.

After about three months of dating, Delilah grew impatient. She asked Samson how his job search was going, and he always gave the same answer. He was trying, but nothing had popped up yet. Delilah enjoyed her time with Samson, but she was contemplating leaving him. While he remained jobless, she could be dating someone else with more money and status. A woman as beautiful and talented as Delilah deserved that kind of man. That’s what she told herself as she prepared to break up with Samson, but she figured she would ask him one more time:

“How’s the job search going?” Delilah asked as they sat on the futon in his studio apartment.

“Well, I have a dinner coming up,” Samson replied. “There should be some big business there. I’ll have to network.”

“Do you know anyone at the dinner?”

“Well, sure-”

“Who?” Delilah asked as she sat up. “Who do you know?”

“Well, one guy’s a friend of my boss,” Samson yawned. “He’s a big executive for Bank of America in Chicago.”

“Need a date?” Delilah asked. “You need a date. You can’t walk in there without someone on your arm. It’ll look bad. You need to stick out. I can help you stick out.”

“Hey, why not?” Samson said with a shrug.

Samson was a brilliant law clerk, but he wasn’t very smart when it came to women. Had he known better, his alarms would have gone off when Delilah insisted on being his date. Had he known better, he would not have brought up the dinner at all, let alone brought her along. He had a bad feeling when Delilah showed up at his apartment wearing a shiny red dress and asking probing questions about the big executive; what he did, what he looked like. He had a bad feeling when they arrived at the dinner, and she constantly asked him where the big executive for Bank of America was, but he paid it no mind.

When Samson finally introduced himself to Jeff the Executive, a tall, blonde male with a flashy smile, he took his card, and shook his hand. After that, all Samson could think about was a possible job. He didn’t notice that Delilah stayed behind to talk to Jeff when he went to the bathroom. He didn’t notice how close Delilah was standing in front of Jeff; how much she smiled and played with her hair. He didn’t notice that it took her forty-five minutes to get back to their table before dinner was served. Samson also didn’t notice how distant Delilah was the rest of the night. He didn’t notice her constantly texting and looking over her shoulder at Jeff the Executive’s table.

After dinner, Delilah wanted to go home by herself. Samson thought it was odd, but he respected her decision. He went back to his place alone but with a smile on his face. He was going to call Jeff the Executive tomorrow and set up an interview. He was going to play his cards right and set up a job for after graduation. That was what Samson told himself as he went to bed by himself for the first time in months.

Unfortunately, Samson didn’t get the interview, but he vowed to improve his resume and try again. He expected more encouragement from Delilah when he broke the news to her. Instead, she broke up with him. When Samson asked why she was leaving, Delilah said that it wasn’t working out. She said that she had to move back home with her parents in Seattle until she found a job. She said it would be pointless to maintain such a long distance relationship and that Samson should be free to date other people. She said that it was only fair to him that they break up and that she didn’t want to hold him down. Samson couldn’t help but agree with Delilah’s selfless speech (not that it would have mattered if he agreed or not). When Samson tried to hug her good-bye, she patted his shoulder and walked away without looking back. Delilah disappeared, and Samson never saw her in Boston again.

Samson had to move back home after graduation. He went back to his parents’ house in Chicago and took the Illinois bar exam. He worked as a bartender at a high-end bar in the wealthy River North neighborhood to save up some money while he searched for legal jobs. None of them stuck. As he mixed drinks and broke up fights to pay his student loans, Samson wondered how Delilah was doing in Seattle, but he put it behind him. It had been a year since he last saw her, and she was probably doing fine. Whatever she was doing, he hoped that she was happy.

Boy was Samson shocked to spot Delilah walking into the bar one night wearing a black short dress. When their eyes met, she flinched and lowered her head. Samson frowned. She was ignoring him? Why would she do that? Samson’s heart sunk into his stomach when he saw Jeff the Executive walk into the bar. Jeff kissed Delilah before wrapping his arm around her neck and walking her to her seat. As he watched from the bar, he saw a group of women walk in and scream as they hugged Delilah around the neck. Delilah smiled and flashed a wedding ring as she danced with her girlfriends. It took every ounce of Samson’s restraint to not cause a scene as he served them drinks. When he confided in one of the bouncers about Delilah, the bouncer shook his head and told him:

“Hey man, I told you. These hoes ain’t loyal.”

I’m going to stop this tragic story here for a moment and say that Delilah does not represent all women, but her behavior is too common. In fact, I bet some of you readers know exactly what happened, but I’ll spell it out for those of you who don’t. Unbeknownst to Samson, Delilah never liked him all that much. Sure, he was cute, but he was just a law clerk. Delilah wanted the high-status, socially acceptable, alpha male(see my previous post, Rule Your Nation on this concept). She wanted the man in charge. She wanted the man who made the most money so that he could provide the lifestyle that she wanted.

However, Delilah had run out of options on how to meet such a man; that is until Samson came along and took her out to a business dinner. When Delilah met Jeff the Executive in Boston, she slipped him her phone number and address. When Delilah sent Samson home, it was because Jeff was coming over in thirty minutes. They had planned their rendezvous via text during the dinner. Delilah had already made arrangements to see Jeff again before she broke up with Samson. She never flew out to Seattle. She flew straight to Chicago to spend the weekend at Jeff’s condo in the Gold Coast. Eventually, Jeff used his connections to get Delilah a job at a Fortune 500 company in Chicago, and she moved in with him. Delilah practically forgot about Samson until she spotted him at the bar that night in River North; an hour after Jeff proposed for her hand in marriage at a lavish restaurant down the street. She ignored Samson until she and Jeff went home, hoping to never cross paths with him again. Samson was nothing more than a stepping stone to her, and she had no intention on looking back.

Delilah was a social climber, and we’ve all met at least one. If you are in Samson’s position, you cannot hate all women. You cannot say “these hoes ain’t loyal.” The truth is that most women are not social climbers, and they’re especially not as brutal as Delilah. However, everyone is loyal to something. Delilah was fiercely loyal. She just wasn’t loyal to Samson. She was loyal to her goal to meet a rich man, and she achieved it; albeit by dishonest means. Samson was unable to see her true intentions, and in the end, he got burned.

Whenever I hear the phrase “these hoes ain’t loyal,” I’m usually not hearing a man who views women as inferior. I’m hearing the bitter, jaded call of a man who has been hurt by the realization that his expectations of certain women were not realistic. Since he never learned to screen the women he dated, he now applies a blanket standard to all of them. It’s the age-old story of the jaded womanizer that you might read about in books and watch in romantic comedies. However, in real life, Samson is not always a player. He’s often the one who gets played.

What a lot of men like Samson fail to realize is that everyone is loyal to what they love. Samson made the mistake of trusting a woman before she had proven her love to him. As a result, he found out the hard way that she never had any feelings for him at all. Jeff the Executive will learn the same hard lesson about Delilah, but he will learn it two years into their marriage. He will learn it when he checks his bank account and finds abnormal transactions at hotels across the city. When he hires a private investigator, he will find out that Delilah cheats on him every time he leaves town on business. She is sleeping with her personal trainer; the one that Jeff the Executive hired for her. Delilah is not loyal to Jeff either.

Since Jeff was at least smart enough to get a prenup, he will change the locks to his condo and deliver divorce papers to her work mailbox the moment he gets back to Chicago. Delilah will be infuriated. Delilah will fight for alimony. Delilah will lose and move out to her own place in Lincoln Park while she searches for another rich executive. Every man Delilah meets will eventually learn that Delilah will never love any man. The love of her life is cash money, and they will never part through sickness and in health.

Chicago’s a big city with the gossip of a small town. Word will spread about Delilah, and all of the men she meets will treat her the same way. They will throw her a little cash, sleep with her, and leave her before she gets her claws in them. Eventually, Delilah will end up single and sitting at a bar on a Friday night until she meets another rich guy and the cycle starts all over again. To this day, she complains to her girlfriends that all men only want one thing and that they’re all pigs.

Delilah fails to realize that none of these men are willing to commit to her because they know she will never commit to them. She’s not frustrated with men because they treat her wrong; even if they certainly do. She is frustrated because they no longer give her what she wants, and she’s too self-centered to see the error of her ways. Delilah hasn’t learned how to love a man for who he is. Therefore, no man can bring himself to love her. Her story reminds me of an old Drake verse where he says:

“I don’t judge her, I don’t judge her, but I could never love her.

Cause to her I’m just a rapper and soon she’ll have met another.”

Drake’s not talking about “hoes” in this verse, nor is he putting down all of the women of the world. He’s talking about Delilah. She is the kind of woman who uses sex as a means to an end instead of an enjoyable experience between two people. She objectifies men by reducing them to their wallets. However, when her target figures out her game, he runs for the hills; as he should. Delilah then gets angry when her tricks no longer work in her favor and accuses men of only wanting her for sex; the very tool she previously used to get her way.

Every man has met his Delilah. In high school, she breaks up with her boyfriend to chase after the guy with the nice car; only to complain when the guy with the car stops driving her everywhere. In college, she flakes out on a date to get a ride on the rich kid’s plane; only to cry when he leaves her behind at the airport. She’s the first year law student who dates a 3L to get his outlines and forgets about him once finals are over; but throws a fit when that guy gets a good job and deletes her phone number. The Delilahs of the world are scrambling for a way to get to the top. They will use any means to climb onto your shoulders to get there, and any man they can’t use is a jerk. Women in general are not this selfish, and thus they are not the problem. Delilahs are this selfish and are a huge problem, and men should learn the difference before we spout phrases like “these hoes ain’t loyal.”

Do not let Delilah bring you down. Samson didn’t. After a few months of bartending, he moved into his own place in Uptown. He then started dating Jennifer, the head chef at the bar. Jennifer was a gorgeous, brown-skinned, tall woman who got hit on by men every day she left her Lakeview apartment. Unlike Delilah, she had plenty of options; some of them with large bank accounts. However, she liked Samson. She liked how he treated her. She liked how he stood up for her when a customer got unruly. She liked how he was often the first person to work on his shift and the last person to leave. Jennifer even liked how Samson treated customers and coworkers alike with respect. His confidence, positive attitude, and coolness under pressure won her over long before he asked her out on their first date; burgers and fries at the local diner.

While they were together, Samson and Jennifer were always laughing and trading stories. After their shift, they danced at the nightclub across the street before Jennifer drove Samson home. After a few months, they pooled their money and got their own place together. They rented a one-bedroom in Logan Square and split the bills. Delilah would have scoffed at such an arrangement.

After another year together, Samson and Jennifer figured out that they made one hell of a team. They knew they could trust each other through thick and thin. So they put their heads together, and with Samson’s knowledge of the law, and Jennifer’s knowledge of the culinary arts, they started their own catering business. After a few years, they served businesses, weddings, and birthday parties all over the Chicagoland area and made enough money to buy a house in River East. When they went out to the bar where they first met to celebrate their three-year anniversary, Samson asked for Jennifer’s hand in marriage. Samson’s old friend, the bouncer, who was now the Director of Operations, was the best man at the wedding. He no longer says that “these hoes ain’t loyal.” Samson and Jennifer prove him wrong every day of their happy lives.

If you’re like Samson, you probably pass by your Jennifer every day. She often sits right next to Delilah on the bus on her way to work and stands next to Jeff on the train on the way home. You will not be able to tell the difference between any of them without getting to know people and judging them on a case-by-case basis. Never believe people when they say “these hoes ain’t loyal.” It’s a blanket statement and a double-edged sword that protects you from Delilah but alienates Jennifer. It sacrifices happiness to avoid pain, and that’s no way to live.

The truth is that everyone is loyal to who and what they love. So I propose a different approach. Instead of calling women “hoes,” let’s be a little more selective about our partners. Let’s figure out what we want and look for in a woman, and when we meet women and date them, let’s figure out what they want from us. You will find that it changes from woman to woman. Unless you want to be a stepping stone or a living bank account, don’t get mixed up with a Delilah. Be loyal to yourself, and find a Jennifer who is loyal to you. She will deserve your loyalty in return.

Stay loyal, people.

No Apologies,
G. Miller©

Rule Your Nation: A New Look at Today’s Man.

In light of the recent shooting, a friend of mine shared an article with me about toxic manhood (Shout out to Mohini!). I have placed the link at the bottom of this page, but I’ll give a synopsis. The article discusses a phenomenon in our culture in which men base their self-worth on how many women they can have sex with. Well, I hate to break it to you folks, but this isn’t exactly news. Men have been mocked for their lack of sexual experience and lauded for their sexual escapades for years. Outside of certain religious/spiritual environments, a man is usually looked at funny if he is a virgin well into his twenties. Movies like 40 Year Old Virgin emphasize that a sexually inexperienced man is a source of comic relief; not just a sexually inexperienced man. The pressure is on men to get out there and get laid. This is a pressure that every man endures. It’s also a pressure that we put on ourselves.

So how do we respond to that pressure? We go out in search of our manhood. We go to bars trying to pick up women every weekend. We study pick up artists by reading their books and listening to their YouTube tutorials. We learn everything that anyone can tell us about how to get laid. We learn that if we have enough money and social status, we will attract women. We learn that if we’re in great shape, we will attract women. We learn that if we open, neg, kino, and escalate, we will attract women. There is an entire (lucrative) industry that teaches men how to attract as many women as possible, and men are emptying the shelves. After all, if we don’t learn how to do this, we are not men.

There are a few problems that I have with this mentality as a whole. I’ll break down why, but I want to preface it by saying I have been guilty of everything I just listed above; drawing the line at taking home a woman when she was drunk(no rapes on my conscience, thank you). It took me a while to wake up and grow up, but now that I have, I can honestly say that basing your manhood on how well you attract women is not the way to go. In fact, it’s quite unmanly. Here’s the break down.

First, if you base your manhood on how many women you can pick up, you’re standing on unstable ground. A woman chooses her mate, and you can’t make her sleep with you without committing a felony. You’re basing your manhood on something that you cannot control. However, that does not stop certain men from trying. When a woman rejects them, subsequently rejecting their identity as a man, some react with anger; they scream, they curse, they call her names. Sometimes they react with sadness; they sulk, they get drunk, they go home and mull over what they did wrong. In extreme cases, they start to hate women; calling them all sluts, goldiggers, and manipulators. They blame women for their shortcomings outwardly, but inwardly they blame themselves. They blame themselves for not being man enough to pick up women and get laid. They blame themselves for not fitting a standard that society has presented to them and that they have bought into without questioning.

Well, I have a question in response to this standard. Why are you looking for your validation as a man between the legs of a woman; legs that she doesn’t have to open unless she chooses to do so? This is the wrong place to look. Think of all of the great men in our history; Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, Gandhi. Think of the fictitious stories describing the archetypes of great heroic men; Superman, Batman, Hercules. Think of the innovators who were geniuses at their craft; Albert Einstein, Michael Jordan, Mark Twain, Muhammad Ali, John Steinbeck, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Lee.

Yes, some of these men slept with a lot of women in their lives, but when anyone asks what made these men great, it wasn’t their ability to attract women. It was Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream Speech.” It was Gandhi’s unrelenting resolve. It was Michael Jordan’s killer instinct and indomitable will to win (plus his flawless fade-away). It was Mark Twain’s satire that was well ahead of his time. It was Superman’s amazing strength combined with his moral code. It was Muhammad Ali’s unflinching confidence, incredible work ethic, and immovable faith as a conscientious objector in the face of public ridicule. Hey, people have worshiped Jesus Christ for over two thousand years, and NOBODY talks about his ability to attract women. At the end of the day, great men leave a legacy, and that legacy has nothing to do with how many women they’ve screwed. Their legacy has everything to do with what they worked hard to achieve for themselves and the world around them. Stop looking for your manhood inside the walls of a vagina. You won’t find it there. No great man ever has.

Second, remember when I said that you can’t make a woman sleep with you? Guess what, when you’re a great man, you don’t have to. She will come to you willingly because she knows greatness when she sees it. If you’re dealing with a great woman, she will approach you because she has finally met her equal. A queen always comes to her king. She only expects her servants to come to her on her schedule, and she only expects the court jester to entertain her.

When you scramble to pick up a girl from a bar, or you work really hard to impress her enough to get her phone number, which role do you think you’re playing? You’re certainly no king. You’re actually the court jester. The queen laughs at the court jester. She claps. She doles out measured amounts of approval. She smiles as long as the jester continues with his show and dance, but if the dance stops before she’s ready, off with his head! He’s expendable, and they both know it.

The court jester’s life depends upon the queen’s approval. He needs a woman to like him in order to survive, so he does whatever is necessary to keep her attention. He uses all kinds of pickup lines and techniques. He tries to challenge her (superficially) and get her to invest in him. He plays the queen’s game and tries to play it just well enough to keep her entertained, and the queen soaks it up. However, when the jester gets tired, she sees him for who he really is; a clown. She then gets bored and dismisses him, or she replaces him with his competitor; another clown vying for the chance to entertain her. This process usually continues until last call on a Saturday night.

This is not the life of a great man, a king. He does not spend his time chasing women. Honestly, he doesn’t have time. He’s too busy making his dreams come true. He’s too busy making his fantasy a reality. He’s too busy living his life to the fullest. He’s too busy for games and approval seeking. He’s too busy because he has the wherewithal to keep his priorities in order and to tolerate nothing that stands in his way. The queen swoons at the king; and not because he’s worked hard enough to prove to her that he’s a man. She has already recognized him as a man long before he had to prove anything. She swoons because she has finally met a great man she can love, and it’s been a long time coming.

You’ll notice that when I named great men, they were all different. You’ll notice that when I described a king, I didn’t give him any particular characteristics. He wasn’t big and muscular. He wasn’t a particular race. He didn’t come from any particular background. He didn’t go to any specific school. He didn’t have a specific career that earns a certain amount of money. He didn’t dress any particular way. He wasn’t perfect either. I can guarantee you that all great men have flaws. Just like very nation is different, so is every king. You are not required to fit a standard that someone else has thrown upon you, and you need to have enough confidence to know that. Otherwise, you’ll never be happy with yourself, and women will not be happy with you.

Stop trying to fit in with society. Stop subscribing to what other people tell you is “alpha male” behavior; an ineffective analogy based on the pack mentality of wolves and wild dogs. Even in the wild, the power of an alpha male does not amount to much. An alpha male wolf with his pack behind him is nothing compared to a lone grizzly bear who is in charge of no one but himself but strong enough to stand on his own two feet to take on all comers. All of history’s greatest men were grizzly bears. They did what they wanted to do, not what society told them. Be strong. Be yourself. Be a king.

My third point is vital. You are a king, but your kingdom is yourself. Your kingdom is not women.

I repeat: YOUR KINGDOM IS YOURSELF. YOUR KINGDOM IS NOT WOMEN.

You have no right to control anything about a woman; not her time, not her money, not her sex. Unless she offers these things to you, they are none of your business, and that goes both ways. Women know this well, and that’s exactly why they reject you when you try to lord over them. You lack the authority to rule her, and she lacks the authority to rule you. You are both equal, sovereign nations.

However, if you rule yourself so well that your kingdom prospers, she will want to partner her nation with yours. When you have learned how to be yourself and rule yourself with confidence, women will come to you. From there, you will have the option of choosing a suitable partner. Some people take that dynamic and turn it into a superiority complex, but it doesn’t make you superior to women at all. It makes you selective, and it makes the woman you choose the right one for you. That’s all.

When you let pick-up artists dictate how you talk to women, you’re not ruling your nation. When you let your “friends” pressure you into sleeping with any woman before you’re ready, you’re not ruling your nation. When you lower yourself to paying for drinks, dinners, cars, and vacations; all because you’re told that’s what it takes for a woman to like you enough to sleep with you, you’re not ruling your nation. You are letting others rule you, and nobody respects that. If women don’t respect you, why should they care if you’re angry, frustrated, or confused? You’re just the court jester, remember? You have already established that you are not here to be respected but to entertain. Your frustration is irrelevant to the queen you serve. You can either change your behavior, or bow down and take it like the clown you’ve decided to become.

When you take home women who are black-out drunk, you’re not ruling your nation. When you “cock-block” and compete with other men for a woman’s attention, you’re not ruling your nation. When you insist on pursuing her when she has done nothing to demonstrate any interest in partnering with you, you’re not ruling your nation. You’re encroaching on other nations. You’re not a king. You’re an unwelcome intruder, and it would behoove you to leave. Don’t come back until you learn to control yourself. Depending on how much damage you’ve done, it may be best that you don’t come back at all.

When you find your passion and work hard at it, you are ruling your nation. When you respect people and command respect in return, you are ruling your nation. When you defend yourself and your loved ones from harm, you are ruling your nation. When you have a set of morals and you stand by them, regardless of their popularity, you are ruling your nation. When you think for yourself and live your life to the fullest by your own standards and purpose, you are ruling your nation. This is the life of a king.

When you’re a king, women don’t play with you because you’re nothing to play with. They don’t stand you up on dates. They don’t talk down to you. They don’t try to make you jealous. They don’t try to manipulate you into competing with other men. If a woman does any of these things to you, she’s treating you like a court jester, and she expects you to dance at her whim. Instead of throwing a fit over it, instead of hating all women, simply leave her where she stands. She is not your queen, and if you’re a smart king, she never will be.

When you’re a king, women don’t avoid you. They don’t duck your phone calls and texts. They don’t insist on only meeting you in a group instead of a date like you had originally asked. They don’t ignore you in the street. When you’re a king, a queen wants to be around you. A queen feels safe around you. If she doesn’t, it’s best that you move on. Any further action might result in a conflict that you don’t need. Behave like a proper king and respect the sovereignty of another kingdom by leaving it alone.

When you’re a king, your queen is excited to see you. She smiles when you walk into the room. She wraps her arms around you and kisses you. She holds your hand in public. She places her hand on your chest when you take pictures. She desires you and wants to have sex with you. I’m not saying that your relationship won’t have issues or rough patches, but if you are a king you will have a queen who is willing to stick with you through it because she’s honest and loyal to you. That’s something that pick-up artists don’t really teach you, but it’s a truth that every happy couple knows.

If you think this is fantasy land, it’s not. Instead, it is very possible that you have been approaching women the wrong way, dating the wrong women(assuming you get the date), and doing it all for the wrong reasons. Your frustrated efforts have made you bitter, cynical, and hateful towards women in general. When you are a king, this is no longer a problem. When you are a king, you only have room for a good life and good people who support your dreams and treat you with respect. Any woman who does not fit that description need not apply. A woman who does deserves your loyalty, respect, and support in return, and that’s not up for discussion.

If any of that flew by you, I can sum it up in one simple sentence. Instead of focusing on sleeping with women, focus on BEING A GREAT MAN AND BEING A GREAT MAN YOUR WAY.

This is a much more positive outlook on manhood, and I’m writing this for all of you as well as myself because I think we all have to learn it. In the face of today’s culture, it’s not easy. That boy(not a man) who decided to shoot people because women didn’t sleep with him is not alone. He just happened to make the news. At one point or another, we’re all taught to think the way he thought, and as a result, we live in a culture full of clowns who throw fits when their queens don’t sleep with them. However, society’s pressure is no excuse; not for a king. I challenge you to think for yourself. I challenge you to be a king and rule your nation to prosperity. When you do, your queen will happily stand by your side.

Rule well, my friends.

No Apologies,
G. Miller©

P.S. As promised, here is the link: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/05/elliot-rodger-price-toxic-masculinity/

The Friend Zone Revamped

I’ve heard quite a bit of debate about this whole “friend zone” thing.  Some people say it’s the zone of no return where a woman places you when she doesn’t find you attractive but still wants to string you along.  This is true.  Others say that it’s a misogynistic theory created by frustrated men who can’t handle rejection.  That’s also true.    I’ll explain.

Here’s my take on it.  There’s nothing wrong with having a woman as a friend.  In fact, I’m not sure how anybody manages to make it to adulthood without having friends of the opposite sex.  I know women whom I consider my friends.  Some are single. Some have boyfriends.  Some are married.  We talk about life, work and dating, but that’s all we do.  We talk.  I don’t ask them on dates, call them all that often, or try to hook up with them.  They’re friends, and that’s mutually understood.

I’ve also been friend zoned.  In fact, early in my life I’ve been friend zoned so often that I’ve learned to see it coming and run for the hills. You see, it’s not just about a lack of attraction.  Even if someone is not attracted to you, she could just reject you outright and leave it there.  The act of friend-zoning is an intentional endeavor that only extremely selfish, toxic people engage in. The friend zone is very real, but the word “friend” makes it a misnomer for a toxic relationship, and I’ll show you why.

In order to explain the difference between the friend zone and an actual friendship, I’ll use a scenario.  You’re at a bar with a female friend.  We’ll name the friend Gina. You and Gina are talking about work and life.  Gina says that you’re just friends, and since you take what she says at face value (like you should), you believe that she truly sees you as just a friend.   Here’s how you find out if that’s true.  You see a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.  This woman is a knockout.  You have to approach her.  You would be a fool to let a woman this smoldering hot leave the bar without giving it a shot, and since Gina just told you that she only sees you as a friend, there’s nothing holding  you back.  After all, the two of you aren’t dating or anything.  As you make eye contact with the woman across the bar, she smiles and strokes her hair.  Then in a rare show of boldness, she winks at you, twirls the straw in her drink, and beckons for you to approach.   Ladies and gentlemen, here is where you find out if you have a female friend or not.  A female friend will say the following:

Gina: “Grant, what are you doing?  That girl’s hot.  Go talk to her.  Dude, she just gave you the green light.”

Me:  “Are you sure?”

Gina:  “Are you kidding?  I’ll be fine!  Go! God, do you need me to play wing girl or something?”

Me: “No, I’ve got it.”

Gina: “Ok then. Go talk to her before she leaves.”

Whether they are male or female, your friends will encourage you to do what’s best for you.  Your friends will encourage you to talk to that woman across the bar.  Your friends want you to succeed.  Do you know why? It’s because your friends actually care about you.  In fact, I guarantee that Gina has a smile on her face as she watches you talk to the woman on the other side of the bar.  As you get her phone number, Gina might even clap for you and give you a high-five.  If you end up dating or even marrying that woman from across the bar, Gina will brag about how she’s the reason you two are together.  You sir, have a female friend, and a good one at that.

Now let’s use the same scenario and apply the friend zone.  You’re at the bar with a woman who always says that the two of you are just friends.  We’ll name her Joan.  So you sit there talking about work and life, and because you take her words at face value (as you should), you genuinely believe that Joan sees you only as a friend.  As she is talking about one of her ex-boyfriends, you spot a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar; the kind you just don’t pass up.  She’s just flat-out gorgeous.  She’s not just a hot woman at a bar either.  Something about her just makes you want to talk to her, and since Joan just said she only sees you as a friend, there’s nothing holding you back, right?  After all, you’re just friends.  You’re not dating or anything.  The woman at the other end of the bar smiles at you.   However, she doesn’t just beckon for you to approach.  She gets up and sits next to you with a smile on her face as she strokes her hair and maintains intense eye contact.  At this point, all you have to do is say hello to get the conversation going.  So you do.  Her name is Tracey, and she’s a teacher who loves to go salsa dancing on the weekends.  She’s also a yoga instructor and –

Joan: “Hey, Grant!”

Me( as I turn back and forth between Tracey and Joan): “Huh?”

Joan:  “Don’t mind me.  I’m just sitting here, you know.”

Me: “Yeah, could you hold on?  I’m talking to-”

Joan(to Tracey): “Hi, I’m Joan.”

Tracey: “…..Hi.”

Me: “Yeah, Tracey, she’s a friend of mine from college.  So as I was saying-”

Joan: “Has anyone told you that you look just like (Insert celebrity. It doesn’t matter who.  She doesn’t really mean it)?”

Tracey: “…..sometimes?”

Joan: “You do.  I like your dress too.”

Tracey: “Thanks.  Are you guys on a date or something?”

Me: “No! No, we’re not.  Not at all.  We were just talking about how we’re just friends, I mean-”

Joan: “Grant, come dance with me!”

Tracey(as she gets up to leave): “Later, Grant.”

Joan(as she grabs my hand): “She’s gone, right? Come on! Dance with me!”

Now that your potential partner has walked out the door, you decide to dance with Joan the Friendzoner.  Of course, once you realize how selfish Joan is, you won’t dance with her at all; not if you have a backbone.  You will walk out of the bar looking for Tracey, but Tracey will be long gone.  In fact, she’s probably met another guy already.  They’re probably dating right now.   They’re probably getting married in a couple of years.  Whatever you would have hoped to have been doing with the woman of your dreams, she’s probably doing it right now with another guy.  Meanwhile, Joan the  Friendzoner will continue to consume all of your time and attention, and if you ever even THINK about pursuing her as a romantic partner, she will raise her hand and say:

“We’re just friends.  Why isn’t that good enough for you?”

Like I said earlier, the term friend zone is a misnomer.  It has nothing to do with friendship and everything to do with attention and ego boosting.  She believes that you’re supposed to like her unconditionally.  You’re supposed to always desire and pursue her.  However, the very thought of her desiring you in return is just out of the question.  In fact, she might have a boyfriend, but she’s most likely sucking him dry as well.  Everywhere she goes people get used and hurt, and you’re no different.  You are dealing with a selfish, controlling, parasitic person.  She is not a friend, and your relationship is toxic at best.

Some people will say that you didn’t do enough to attract her to you.  They might say that your game needs work, and that if you knew how to attract women, this wouldn’t happen to you.  I disagree.  Even if you failed to attract her somehow, she had the option of rejecting you outright.  She could have shut you down and left you standing there.  Instead she chose to keep you around to help her feel desirable. To her, you are a toy with the sole purpose of boosting her self-esteem; a self-esteem that she can maintain on her own, without using  you, if she tried.  When Tracey, the beautiful, confident, open, and honest woman at the bar came along, she threatened Joan’s self-esteem.  She threatened to steal her toy from her.  So Joan the Friendzoner did what she had to do to protect her own interests.  She blocked Tracey and kept you for herself.  Gina, your real friend, would never do that.  I’ve never had a female friend who would.

Your female friends might block other women from talking to you, but only for good reasons (i.e.: she was domestically violent with her last boyfriend, she has an STD, or she’s been convicted of triple homicide).  Your female friends will only do that if they’re looking out for you, and even then they’ll back off and let you decide for yourself.  If things don’t work out, they’ll encourage you.  They’ll also tell you about yourself if you need to hear it.  They will do almost all the same things your guy friends do because they have your back just the same.  When you meet Tracey, your female friend is happy for you.

Friendzoners  come in all shapes and sizes, but they all sound alike.  They tell you to keep calling them, but they never call back.  They tell you to keep trying, but they never meet you half way.  They wait until you pay for dinner before telling you it’s not a date and that “we’re just friends”.  They never contribute anything but lip service to your relationship, but they expect everything from you.  They want boyfriend benefits (usually money and attention), but they have no interest in making a girlfriend’s investment; and I’m not just talking about sex.  I’m talking about a mutual appreciation and respect for one another.   Without that, you have a lopsided and unhealthy relationship.

Friendzoners have mastered a hustle, and they’re using it to play you.  Once you figure it out and walk away, they’ll try to draw you back in by flirting and feigning interest.  If you’re smart, you’ll see it for what it is; another hustle.  When you refuse to come back and give them the attention they crave, they’ll hate you.  They will hate you because they can no longer control you, and that disrupts their world view of men as objects for their amusement.  Despite what some websites and magazines might tell you, there is no benefit to “getting out of the friendzone”; not unless getting out means walking away and seeking your own happiness.  Never try to play toxic people at their own game.  They’re better at it than you are because they’ve had a lot more practice.

Female friends sound alike too.  They tell you to stop calling Joan the Friendzoner.  They tell you that interested people act interested.  They tell you to never settle for less than mutual respect, and while they tell you that, they pay their half when you meet for lunch.  After all, that’s what friends do when they meet up and there’s no reason to change that just because she’s a woman and you’re a man.  They tell you that you deserve better than how Joan the Friendzoner is treating you, but your life won’t improve until you take action and do something about it.  They tell you to man up and walk away from Joan the Friendzoner.  As a matter of fact, they ask if you’ve met Tracey.  She’s a teacher and a yoga instructor and you guys would get along great.  They introduce you and Tracey at a party and when the friendzoner swoops in, the conversation goes like this:

Me: “So Tracey, Gina tells me that you’re a yoga instructor.”

Tracey: “Yeah, I love it so much, and-”

Joan the Friendzoner: “Hey, Grant!”

Me: “Hey……what’s up, Joan?”

Joan the Friendzoner: “Want to dance?”

Tracey( as Gina glares at Joan): “Do you guys know each other?”

Me: “We’re just friends.”

Joan the Friendzoner: “Dance with me!”

Me: “No, I’m kind of busy-”

Gina(as she steps between Joan and me): “Hey, Joan!  Wow, I love that dress!  That guy over there wants to buy you a drink!  Come on, let’s go!”

Tracey(as Gina and Joan walk away): “What was up with her?”

Me: “No clue. Let’s dance.”

Tracey(with a wink): “Sure.  I hope you can keep up.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

So there you have it, folks.  Is friendship with women a bad thing that you should avoid at all costs?  Absolutely not.  In fact, having friends from both genders is the way to go.  You just have to choose the right friends, and that’s easier said than done; but not impossible.   Is the friend zone real? Absolutely, but it’s poorly named and subsequently over generalized.  As a result, we have yet another reason why men and women don’t understand each other.

So how do we fix this situation?  I propose that we scrap the term “friend zone” altogether and call it what it is.  If you are in this situation, you are not in the friend zone.  You’re in a toxic relationship, and you’re being used.  If you really need a name for it, I suggest we call it “Dead-Ended” because that’s pretty much where the relationship is going; a dead-end.   Instead of swearing off friendship with women, or getting bitter and frustrated when you reach a dead-end, just turn around and walk away.  Keep walking until you find what you’re looking for.  All of your real friends will be walking with you.  They’ve been walking with you all along.

 

No Apologies,

G. Miller (c)