Creepy and Crazy: Code Words for a Lack of Connection

Nothing stops the creeper; except for reality.

I’m sure that you have heard the word creepy in the dating context.  It is often used to describe a man who makes women uncomfortable in his efforts to garner their attention. However, in response to a recent use of that word to describe men, I decided to dive deeper.  What makes a man creepy? Can a woman be creepy in the same context? What behaviors can either of them exhibit in order to be labelled as creepy? Well, I asked around, and I thank those who answered honestly.  Your help is greatly appreciated.  Now that the credit has been given to those who deserve it, I’ll address the issue at hand.

What makes a Man Creepy?

The sad part is this kind of conversation isn’t all that uncommon.

When asked what makes a man creepy, most women had no problem vocalizing their experiences.  Creepy men invade a woman’s space, touch her without any indication that she wants to be touched, or make sexual innuendos before establishing a proper comfort level.  They also call or text constantly, Facebook stalk without actually being on her friends list or even sending a friend request, and generally know much more about the woman than she’s actually shared with him. Some even send pictures of their genitalia or ask for nudes.  The most extreme case involved a man sending a woman a collage of herself.

Yep. A collage. As in pictures. Of her.

The creepy man’s actions indicate that he has already claimed her without actually asking her if she wants to be claimed.  Because he has claimed her, he expects her to accept it when he disregards the boundaries that she would normally hold for a stranger.  His ignorance of social cues and lack of understanding of body language causes him to express his intentions in a way that makes her uncomfortable.  Some men are also creepy because they are dishonest about their intentions, and women can often see right through it.  As one female respondent stated, if she cannot trust him, he is creepy in her eyes.  The creepy man is most likely behaving in this manner because he’s more focused on what he wants from the woman and less focused on what she wants or is comfortable giving at the time.  He is controlling, selfish, and manipulative, and any woman with sharp enough instincts will protect herself and avoid him.

What makes a Woman Creepy?

Sadly, this is not all that uncommon either.

Men were then asked if a woman could be creepy.  A few men said yes, and they proceeded to describe a creepy woman as one who makes future plans on the first date,  competes with every woman for attention(even the man’s mother), calls and texts constantly, won’t take no for an answer, calls the man’s parents without his knowledge, or finds his address without him giving it to her. There were  a couple of cases where women professed that God had called them to be together; despite the fact that one man had no interest in her and the other was already  taken.  Men described the creepy woman as annoying, paranoid, and stalkerish.   She is also controlling, selfish, and manipulative, and she only cares about her wants and needs without any consideration for anyone else. She has claimed the man without asking him if he wants to be claimed.  Any man with sharp enough instincts will protect himself and avoid her as well.

“My dude, She was Crazy!”

Not many men would call this woman creepy.  Crazy however…..

The similarity between a creepy man and a creepy woman is striking.   Still, there is a big difference in how they are perceived.  No woman who answered the question posed had a problem describing a creepy man.  Some men did not describe women as creepy; no matter how typically “creepy” their behavior.   However, when asked if they would call a woman “crazy”, they agreed and then described the aforementioned creepy conduct.  As one of the male respondents suggested, the men who women call creepy, and the women who men call crazy, possess the same personality traits and exhibit the same behavior.  They are both so hell bent on getting what they want from you that they will disregard your boundaries to get it, and they will even get aggressive in their efforts to force you to comply with how they believe you should respond to them.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?

A lot of men are more likely to call a woman crazy than creepy.  I know I’ve been guilty of it, and I was describing women who exhibited controlling, possessive behavior such as: telling me to shut my phone off at a certain time unless she, and only she, calls me, refusing a date but getting angry when I move on or talk to another woman, or even slapping me when she didn’t get what she wanted.  Still, I never used the word creepy. The notion of applying such a word to a woman didn’t even cross my mind. I called these women crazy as if they could not control themselves; instead of accepting that they were using aggressive tactics in their attempts to control me.

Despite exhibiting the same behavior, men and women are placed in different categories.  The man is a  conniving villain who is looking to use you and drop you, but the woman is apparently mentally or emotionally ill, and thus not responsible for her behavior.  Calling someone creepy puts people on high alert.  Calling someone crazy is dismissive.  Since these traits are not gender specific, these explanations should be applied to both genders. Some men act the way they do because they are emotionally imbalanced, and so do some women.  Some men are looking to use you and leave you, and so are some women.  Meanwhile, anyone else in between who just has no clue how to strike up a conversation and get a date is stuck in the crossfire of being labelled crazy or creepy.

Connection is the Key.

Dude…..abort mission. Come on, she was nice about it.

So are these intentions and behaviors in themselves worthy of the crazy/creepy label? Yes and no. There is nothing wrong with sexual desire and finding someone sexually attractive. However, if someone doesn’t want to sleep with you, then pushing for sex is wrong. There is nothing wrong with wanting to hear someone’s voice if you have strong feelings for that person. Still, if someone isn’t comfortable with constant phone calls, then relentlessly calling that person is wrong.  Such a disrespect for boundaries is indicative of selfishness and a lack of self-control.  It’s also indicative of a lack of connection between both parties.  Ask anyone who has had a one-night stand; in that moment, they had no problem with the other party wanting sex.  Ask anyone who is in a long-term, committed relationship or married.  They seldom have a problem with touching and sexual innuendos from their partners. Some of them wish their partners would do that more often.  The truth is that if two people’s intentions and goals match, great things happen.  When they don’t, and you try to force the issue, you are a crazy creeper.

Stop Being a Crazy Creeper!

What is the solution to this problem? First, we must realize that these names are not always applied accurately.  Surely, every man who is called creepy is not an evil womanizer bent on using a woman’s body and leaving her when he’s done.  Every woman who is called crazy, is not a possessive control freak.  Sometimes people come on too strong because they are socially inept, and when they are called creepy or crazy, they are hurt and confused because their intentions were harmless.  Sometimes people are labelled creepy or crazy by rejected suitors who try to sully their reputation in an effort to get back at them.  There are also people who go around calling others crazy or creepy because bragging about “stalkers” feeds their insecure ego.  In fact, during the research for this article, there were women who called me creepy just for asking them to describe a creepy man; despite the fact that I made no attempt to hit on them.  Like most labels, these words can be used for the wrong reasons.  With that in mind, we cannot control everyone around us, but we can control ourselves by focusing our efforts on meeting people who want and desire the same relationships that we do.  That is not an easy task, but there are three questions that you must ask in an effort to find that person:

What are your Intentions?

Now here’s something you don’t see very often.

Be honest with yourself.  What do you want?  Got it? Good. Now turn around and be honest with the other person.  Playing mind games and using subversive tactics and techniques serves only to create toxicity in your everyday interactions.  Lying to yourself and those around you is obviously not healthy, and it’s the calling card of a creepy person.  If you expect to live a real life, and have real relationships, you must be real with the people around you; especially if you intend on having an intimate relationship or even just an intimate evening.

What are the Other Person’s Intentions?

Few things are sexier than someone who respects your comfort level.

If you have a good idea of what the other person wants, this also requires being honest with yourself.  Are you comfortable engaging him? Are you comfortable giving her what she wants?  Do you want to hook-up with her?  Do you want a relationship with him? Does he or she want either of these things in return?  If your answer is no, then you must cut it short as soon as feasibly possible. Leading people on for the sake of attention is childish. Ignoring someone’s evasive behavior, or outright pleas for space, is inconsiderate and selfish.  Life isn’t just about what you want.  You have to consider the other person, or else you will be avoided; and deservedly so.

Do you Respect Yourself Enough to Walk Away?

Watch the movie.  There was a clear disconnect here.

If your intentions don’t match, and it is obvious that the two of you have no connection, do you respect yourself enough to walk away?  Perhaps it’s a residual byproduct of the traditional “No means Yes” philosophy, or the belief that all women require a man to be persistent, but there are still a lot of men who don’t take no for an answer.  It shows a lack of respect for her boundaries, but it also shows a lack of respect for yourself.  What could possibly possess you to chase someone who has shown no interest in you?  If she’s not feeling you, leave her alone. You shouldn’t bother with someone who doesn’t reciprocate your interest.  It’s that simple, and making it more complicated than that will earn you the creepy label.

Perhaps it’s because of social pressure to have a man with certain traits, but I’ve also seen a fair share of women who will chase a man who cares nothing about her.  If he doesn’t like or respect you, turn around and leave.  You don’t need him.  Respect yourself, and stop chasing someone who ignores you. Regardless of gender, when you exhibit this behavior, all you are doing is settling for less than what you deserve; someone who appreciates you for who you are and wants the same relationship that you want.   If that’s not crazy, I don’t know what is.

Creepy. Crazy.  Both of these monikers describe the same problem.  If you’ve been called either of these names, it is possible that you are exhibiting behavior that tells the other person that you are only interested in what you want and nothing else.  It would behoove you to examine yourself and your intentions in relation to the people around you and find someone whose goals in life and relationships match your own.  Only then will you find a fulfilling connection with someone, and you cannot force it to happen.  If you think you can, then you are welcome to try.  Just don’t complain when someone calls you a crazy creeper when you do.  You have been warned.

Stay connected, my friends.

No Apologies,
G. Miller

The Sex Factor: Do you have what it takes to be Sexy?

Sexy for blog

Let’s talk about one of the hottest commodities in today’s culture.  Sexiness. It’s a trait that many people wish they possessed.  Sexiness is magnetic.  Sexiness is electrifying.  Sexiness is hot.  Nobody forgets you when you’re sexy. People tend to forget you when you’re not.  So what exactly is sexiness, and what does it take to be sexy?  Do you have what it takes? Are you sexy? In order to determine that, we must identify what makes someone sexy.  We must identify the sex factor.

Describing sexiness is not an easy task. Webster’s dictionary defines sexy as being sexually appealing, attractive or exciting; having interesting or appealing qualities. This is a bit vague. The media is no better.  Watch your average sitcom or music video, and you’ll see that they define sexiness as the perfect body, the perfect smile, the perfect image.  You have to wear the right make-up, the right dress, the right shirt, the right jeans, the right suit, and the list goes on.  As someone who has grown up in in this sexcentric culture, I still find the definition of sexiness to be a bit elusive. So to find out what makes someone sexy, I asked around.  I asked men what made a woman sexy.  I asked women what made a man sexy.  The results were not exactly what the media tells you, and they were certainly more specific than the dictionary.

What makes a man sexy?

First, I asked women what makes a man sexy.  Of course, they all had varied descriptions.  Some wanted a traditional male who takes charge, makes decisions for her, fixes the car, kills the bugs, gets dirty, and literally smells like hydraulic fluid.  Others wanted a man who had a sense of humor, acts like a complete goofball, and makes her laugh; one even stated that she wanted a man to invoke guttural laughter(now that’s a high standard!).   However, among all of these varied opinions, there was one common theme.  Every single woman who answered the question stated that she wanted a man who was himself; every last one of them.  It was like listening to a tape on repeat over and over.   To all of the women I spoke to, a man is not a real man unless he knows who he is, loves who he is, and is not afraid to show the world who he is.  He doesn’t change his beliefs based on his surroundings.  He’s not a crowd pleaser.  He’s honest with himself, and is subsequently honest with her.  I can sum this word up with one word.  Confidence.

Women swooned over Denzel Washington for years because of his supreme confidence in himself; confidence that enabled him to tackle the role of Malcolm X.

Confidence was the number one trait that made a man sexy.  None of the women mentioned money.  None of them wanted a particular career or salary.  Some of them had height requirements, but aside from that, none of them were specific about a man’s physical appearance.  There was no set requirement to wear certain clothes, have a certain pedigree, be of a certain race, or possess any of the traits that people will tell you reign supreme in dating. I’m not saying that none of these factors matter.  I’ve met women who only date men based on these criteria.  However, I’m finding that these women are in much smaller numbers than a lot of cynics would like to believe.  Also, the traits that the PUA community touts were nonexistent in their language.  There was no mention of a desire for a man of high social status.  One woman said that her boyfriend acted really silly, but everyone liked him; and that was as close to social proof as any of my conversations got.   Only one woman wanted a man to be dominant, and the rest made no mention of it.  Yet again, the Alpha Male Theory fails as a catch-all.

Confidence was the most common factor among women of different races, education levels, and socioeconomic backgrounds.  However, there were other common traits as well:  kindness, generosity, humility, and light-heartedness.  My conclusion is that most women want a man who is confident and fun to be around.  Undue aggression, anger, arrogance, and attempts to dominate those around them were actually discouraged; not praised.  In fact, those traits were huge turnoffs.

Watch the woman in the black dress. Which guy does she check out the most? 

With that being said, why do so many men try pick-up lines and PUA tactics?  Why do so many men compete with each other for a woman’s attention and try to be the Alpha male?  Why would you do these things in the face of such overwhelming evidence that it’s not attractive?  I’ll tell you why.  The men who use these approaches are not confident in themselves, despite their efforts to convince the world that they are.  They want to get the girl, or just get laid, and they’re doing whatever they’ve been taught will work.  I’ve had men tell me to do “whatever is necessary to get laid” no matter how ridiculous, degrading, or against my personal morals it might be.  I’ve had men give me step by step processes on how to take a woman home from a bar. If a technique exists, I’ve probably heard it, tried it, and failed.  When I stopped that nonsense and started being myself, my life improved; including my interactions with women.  It was then that I realized that manipulative, selfish jerks need not apply.  My budding self-confidence would no longer allow me to be such a person or tolerate the presence of one. When I tell these guys this, they don’t buy it.  They stick to the same old story, and buck the theory that being yourself is enough.  They’re not concerned about being themselves and meeting the right woman for them; even if she’s just the right woman for tonight(some women like to hook-up too).  They’re falling for the lie that a real man must attract all women, and he can only attract them by exhibiting a set number of traits.  Gentlemen, I just spoke to a group of women who say different. Smarten up and be yourselves.  Stop trying to look confident and start being confident.  Otherwise, you’ll often fail at the goal that your act was supposed to help you attain, and subsequently lose the respect of women and men alike.

A hilarious example of what happens to guys who try to be “Alpha”.

What makes a woman sexy?

Next, I asked men what made a woman sexy.  Wouldn’t you know it, a lot of the men said the same things as well:  confidence, a sense of humor, independence, uniqueness, ownership of self.  Despite what the media throws down women’s throats every day, very few men actually mentioned a physical requirement. I’m not saying that physical appearance doesn’t matter.  I would find it hard to believe that it didn’t for either sex.  However, the men I questioned never expressed actually valuing a woman based on her looks alone.  As a straight male, this doesn’t surprise me.  I’ve met numerous pretty women.  Chicago is chock full of them.  However, pretty women seldom hold my attention.  Sexy women always keep it, and the sexiest women aren’t always the prettiest.  However, they are always confident; confident enough to approach the men they like, confident enough to show clear interest or reciprocate it, confident enough to speak their mind.  Confidence in a woman doesn’t necessarily guarantee success, but I’ve found that a lack of confidence is certain to result in failure.

I bet a lot of men found this speech attractive, and it wasn’t because of her bikini body.

Yet again, what the media tells women fails them, and what some women say men want doesn’t even come close.  None of the men placed any value on being a challenge or playing hard to get.  None of them mentioned “liking the chase.”  None of them praised “The Rules”. These approaches are no different than Alpha Male Theory and every bit as destructive.  It seems that women use them for the same reason that men try their own preset tactics and techniques; lack of confidence in themselves.  When a woman plays games with an expected result, she does it because she thinks that’s what it takes to get the man; or at least get the man to chase her.  She is oblivious to what the confident women I’ve met know very well.  Most men don’t want to chase the woman of their dreams.  They want to meet and build something great with her, and that’s impossible to do when she keeps avoiding him. Most men don’t want sex more if they have to wait for it.  They want a partner who wants them in return. The only reason a man bothers to chase a woman is because he thinks he has to, and his confidence is probably as low as the woman who is playing the games in the first place.  Confident women never need games to keep a man’s attention because they know that their presence and personality is enough, and the men they meet, date, and sleep with know it too.  Ladies, be yourselves and love yourselves.  You’ll find that a lot of men will like that in you.

Exhibit A: No games here.

Confidence is the Key

So how does one become confident?  The road to self-confidence is not the same for everyone, but it always requires knowing yourself better than anyone else.  In life, people will try to tell you who you are.  They’ll try to tell you that you’re not pretty enough, skinny enough, muscular enough, rich enough.  They’ll try to tell you that your race, gender, sexual orientation, and economic background prevents you from being whatever you want to be and having what you want to have.  True confidence requires shutting these voices out no matter how much evidence they produce; even if it feels unrealistic at the time.  True confidence understands that these voices bear no reflection on you.  They are mere projections of the insecure, and people of low confidence always want someone to be as low as them.  They are also tactics of the controlling and sociopathic.  People of this nature need to sap your confidence in order to gain an advantage over you, and they won’t rest until they gain that advantage; or realize that they never will and move on to another victim.  They are also the mantra of followers who have fallen victim to these tactics and projections and who lack the confidence and fortitude to see past what they are told.  True confidence requires that you rise above all of this and know that you have what it takes to live the life you want to live.

This speech literally describes the journey  to self-confidence and the results that confidence bears. 

In the dating context, confidence requires that you approach someone you find attractive, even when someone tells you that he/she is “out of your league”; a concept with literally no factual basis other than the negative criticisms of others. True confidence requires asking out someone you like; or saying yes when that person asks you.  Games and tests may give the appearance of being in control, but it’s a farce. The truth is if you’re purposely impeding the progress of the relationship, you’re just half-stepping and holding the other person back.  Confident people never half-step in life, and if necessary, they will leave you behind if you do.  True confidence requires the willingness to walk away from someone who tries to disrespect or abuse you.  I cannot count how many women I’ve approached and dated who went out of their way to be mean-spirited, controlling, and sometimes abusive all because they thought that men were supposed to put up with it. Walking away from them always shocked them.  Finding someone else infuriated them.  Both actions made me feel victorious.  I cannot count how many women I’ve seen date men who talk down to them, leave them behind when they walk down the street(my pet peeve!), and flirt with other women in front of them all because they thought women were supposed to put up with it.  They were always surprised when their women left them; angered when they found someone else. Meanwhile, my respect for those women skyrocketed.  Confidence requires creating and knowing your own self-worth, getting what you deserve, and rejecting anything less.  Such self-assuredness is the epitome of sexiness.  I have yet to meet anyone who says otherwise.

Project Yourself, Not an Image

I need no further evidence that the most attractive traits in a person are confidence and being yourself, but I can guess what the cynics will say.  They’ll say that they went out and dominated and got the girl.  They’ll say that they played games and got the guy.  I preempt this response by saying that we have a problem in our dating culture that tells us to focus on the goal instead of focusing on the person; regardless of whether the experience you have with that person is a positive one.   The truth is when you play games, or use tactics and techniques, you’re portraying an image that is not you.  Therefore, you never got anything.  Your image did, and when that image fades, what’s next? All of my respondents have told me that they don’t want an image.  They want the confident you, and when you’re being yourself, you’ll get more than the guy/girl.  You’ll get a positive relationship that improves your life instead of a string of empty ones. At this point, it’s all about whether you’re willing to strive for the best or settle for less, and cynicism is the mating call of a settler. In case you haven’t noticed yet, confident people are never cynical.  They maintain their positivity, live a positive life, and have positive relationships.

So ladies and gentlemen, do you have what it takes to be sexy? Are you confident enough to be yourself and live your life the way you want to live it?  Are you confident enough to share that life with someone else?   Do you possess the uniqueness, kindness, generosity, and sense of humor to be sexy, or will you always play the same games and fall for the same lines for the rest of your life?  Are you confident enough to stop selling yourself short and start loving who you are? If so, I congratulate you.  You have the sex factor.  You are sexy. You exude sex, and I get the feeling that you’ll be having a lot of it with someone just as sexy as you very soon; if you aren’t already. If not, well, at least you now know what to work on.  Just know that everyone has what it takes to be sexy.  Everything that you will ever need is looking back at you in the mirror.  The first step to being sexy is to never let anyone tell you anything different.

Stay sexy, my friends.

No Apologies,


p.s. What do you find sexy? Share your thoughts on this post. Otherwise, stay tuned for next week when I discuss creepiness!

July’s Rule Your Nation Awards

So I’m back, and I survived the bar exam.  Did you miss me? Of course you did. Though I am a day late, I promise to not disappoint.  With that being said, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of  July’s Rule Your Nation Awards.

Jada Green

Jada Green

Jada Green is a 16-year-old high school student from Texas.  She is also a rape victim.  She went to a party, drank some punch, and suddenly she was unconscious; the recipient of a spiked drink.  If that were not tragic enough, her attackers decided to mock her on social media by posting pictures of her while she was unconscious.   Did she cower in the face of this abuse? No.  She went to the media instead and even requested that her name be shared(unusual for a minor) in her effort to find her attackers.  Such bravery in the face of trauma is rare and worthy of note.  Kudos to you, Jada.  You are Ruling Your Nation with courage, and this writer salutes you.  Continue to fight for justice.

Tim Howard

Tim Howard

Tim Howard was a goalie for the United States Soccer Team during this summer’s World Cup.  In a losing effort against Belgium, Howard recorded 16 saves; a World Cup record.  Some people are good at their craft.  Some people are great at their craft.  Then you have people whose passion for what they do shows in their performance in a way that inspires awe and amazement.  In order to have the energy, speed, reaction time, and hand-eye coordination to block that many goals from some of the best soccer players in the world, one could assume that Tim Howard puts in more work than anybody else standing between those poles.  Kudos to you, Tim Howard.  You were the last defense, and you held it down the best anybody possibly could.  You are Ruling Your Nation with dedication.  Keep representing our country.

Lebron James NY Daily News

Lebron James

Lebron James is a small forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers.  No, you read that correctly.  After losing in the NBA Finals to the San Antonio Spurs, Lebron decided to return to his first team and his home state.  I’ll be honest, I was not a fan of the move at first.  I remember The Decision.  I remember watching Cleveland fans burn his jersey in the street.  I defended Lebron’s move to Miami, and just knew that if I were him, I would never come back.  Fortunately for Lebron, I’m not him.  After reading his essay explaining his decision to go back to Cleveland, Lebron mentioned doing what was best for his family and bringing a championship back to his home state.  Well, you can’t argue with that. Bring a championship to Cleveland, Lebron.  Your are Ruling Your Nation by following your heart, and this writer is rooting for you. Go make your dreams happen.

Jason Aaron

Jason Aaron

As a DC Comics fan, I’ll admit that I had no clue who Jason Aaron was until this month.  However, when I found out that Marvel was releasing a female Thor, I had to look him up.  Coming this October, Thor will be drawn and written as a woman.  If anybody reading this knows anything about comics and cartoons, we all know that though there are plenty of female heroes, their roles tend to be minor or short-lived.  The female characters who do have more prominent roles are seldom as powerful as the main characters.  In the movie theaters, the male characters lead in the box office(Batman, Superman, Spiderman, etc.).  Even Wonder Woman, a character who can go toe-to-toe with Superman, has yet to have her own full-length, live action film.  This is often a grave injustice because the writers of these female heroes have created some powerful characters who deserve some shine.  Thor is as powerful as they come, and turning Thor into a woman bucks the trend.  Congrats, Jason Aaron.  You are Ruling Your Nation by making a change for the better. Keep the diversity coming.
Well, that’s this month’s Rule Your Nation Awards.  These people exemplify Ruling Your Nation by standing up for themselves, achieving great feats, following their hearts, and going against the grain.  I hope in your every day life you get the opportunity to do the same.  Is there anyone you know who  deserves a Rule Your Nation Award?  Email me at  Submissions don’t have to be famous, but they do have to be awesome.  Catch you guys next week when I talk about sexiness!

Rule well, my friends.

No Apologies,

G. Miller




Jason Aaron:

Jada Green:

Lebron James:

Tim Howard:

Urkel Syndrome: You are Enough.

Have you ever really liked someone? Have you ever been head over heels in love, so much so that you’ll go through anything to be with her? How many times would you ask her out; once, twice, three times? Are you willing to pretend to like what she likes just to impress her? Are you willing to use whatever pick-up line or technique you learned from the internet to woo her? Are you willing to be anyone but yourself to get the girl? Is she all you think about to the point of distraction, regardless of how much she may (or may not) be thinking about you?

Steve Urkel Ladies and gentlemen, Steven Q. Urkel!

If you answered yes to these questions, you are suffering from Urkel syndrome. For those of you who have never watched Family Matters, Steven Q. Urkel is a nerd and a geek (yes, you can be both). He is a geek because he fails to conform to societal norms of how a man should look and behave. He is skinny and frail-looking. His voice is whiny. He wears high-water pants and suspenders that hike them up past his belly button. At first glance, Steve Urkel is different, to say the least.

However, Steve is also a nerd. Ask any of the high achievers thriving in the Chicago business world, and they will tell you. Nerds are always cool. Why do you ask? Well, nerds are smart. They suck up information and use it better than anyone else around them. Nerds become successful business owners, inventors, writers, law professors, and presidents. In case you haven’t noticed from my writing, I’m a nerd, and I’m damn proud of it! I am who I am, and I have nothing to hide. black-from-ct-in-the-chi1.jpg

Exhibit A: I am who I am. Get at me.

All of Steve’s positive qualities are derived from his nerdiness. He’s an inventor who concocts contraptions that no one else can think of. Are they always useful? No, but they’re original, and he had the courage and creativity to experiment. That is an admirable quality. Due to his ability to consume all of the information around him, Steve is also a whiz at basketball. Despite his slight frame and lack of height, he schools his opponents with his knowledge of the game. If you think that’s unrealistic, look up Magic Johnson, Larry Bird, and John Stockton. None of these players were highlight reel athletes in their primes, but they are all Hall of Famers and clear basketball nerds. Despite being ridiculed by his teammates, Steve Urkel’s nerdiness made him an indispensable part of his team. That’s usually how nerdiness works. They mock you until they realize how much they need you.

My man Steve saved the game without a single dunk.

So Steve Urkel, the inventor and star basketball player, has a lot going for him. He has a bright future and will most likely become a great scientist, star athlete, or anything else he puts his mind to. He has the potential to make his family proud, earn a good living, and even be world famous; all because of his brilliant mind. Still, Steve Urkel has one obsession that he just can’t let go. He holds an undying love for Laura Winslow(the girl who rejected him at the end of the clip), and she doesn’t love him back.

Laura Winslow The lopsided love of Steve’s life.

For the bulk of the television series, Laura wants nothing to do with Steve. While he chases her around and confesses his undying love to her, Laura dates the popular guys in school. Sound familiar? Laura is usually mean to Steve, and though he sometimes stands up for himself, he never leaves her side. He even goes as far as using his intellect to create a serum of his DNA that he dubs “Cool Juice” to transform himself into his alter ego, Stefan Urquelle.

Stefan Urquelle Smooth Operator.

Stefan is smooth and socially adept, but he lacks Steve’s intellect. They are complete opposites, and Laura falls head over heels for Stefan until she realizes that Steve cares a lot more for her. Throughout the rest of the series, Steve’s undying love for Laura never wavers. At first she continues to reject him. Later, she slowly turns around and returns her feelings for him. This takes well over fifteen years.

What frustrates me the most about guys like Steve, is that they don’t think that they are good enough to be happy right now. They don’t think that what they have is good enough, and if it truly isn’t, they don’t try to build on who they are and improve themselves. They try to become someone else for the sake of impressing women who have made zero effort to impress them. There’s nothing wrong with Stefan Urquelle, if that’s really you, but Steve Urkel doesn’t have to suppress his brains with the “Cool Juice” and hide an important part of himself for the sake of impressing a girl. He is fine the way he is. If Laura isn’t attracted to Steve, then so be it.  She isn’t the only girl in Chicago, and if I were him, I would move on.

If you still buy into the whole “alpha male” mentality(a.k.a nonsense), guys like Steve Urkel are considered the beta males in our society; not because they’re actually inferior, but because somebody out there just decided that they were beta. Stefan Urquelle is considered alpha, not because he’s superior, but because someone said he’s alpha. These designations of social status are arbitrary. If you step back and look at Steve and Stefan, they are complete opposites but they are also equals; one with the talk and the other with the brains. Still, because Steve Urkel behaves in a way that others may not understand, he is told that he is not good enough. He is placed in a social caste without anyone actually asking him who he would like to be. Laura places Steve below her, and he succumbs to her worldview. He is willing to change himself to win her over because society has told him that he is inadequate. Society has taught him not to love himself despite all of his good qualities. For someone so smart, he’s so naïve. He buys the lies like a well-trained sucker and seeks to change himself to win Laura’s heart; unaware that if he has to stop being himself to gain it, then he’ll never truly have it.

Myra This is what Steve actually walked away from. Yep. Let that sink in.

Due to his undying obsession over a woman who doesn’t want him, Steve does something else that frustrates me. He loses a woman who loves him for who he is. Myra is a woman who loves everything about Steve; even down to his snorting laugh. She isn’t perfect, but a lot of her issues stem from her confusion over Steve’s infatuation with Laura. She has no idea why he’s so fixated on a woman who spends her time dating everyone but him. Meanwhile, while Myra’s sitting right in front of Steve, all he can think about is somebody else. Instead of sticking with the woman who likes him for who he is, he chases the woman who will never be satisfied with the real him. If you’ve been through this, you know how infuriating it is. On television, Steve eventually gets the woman he wants, after years of thankless effort. In real life, he gets neither. One will always run from him. The other gets fed up and moves on with her life, despite the fact that you were probably perfect together.

Seriously. This is so perfect it’s scary, and he still let her go.

Does any of this sound familiar? Have you ever watched a woman run from you into the arms of another man and ask yourself if you did something wrong? Well, you did. You got tied up with the wrong woman. Let me tell you from experience that I have never had to chase any woman for a date. The women I asked out twice, or even three times, were always busy until they had a boyfriend. Those situations can make you feel like you have to change something about yourself; that maybe if you did this or that differently, you could’ve gotten the girl. Maybe if you were more like the other guy, you would have more success. Maybe if you changed into someone else, she would have wanted you. Meanwhile, there is a woman right next to you who doesn’t require you to change a thing, doesn’t require you to chase her, and doesn’t look down on you. That woman is wondering why you are wasting your time chasing someone else. She will eventually move on because she is tired of you taking her for granted, and who can blame her? I’ve made this mistake more times than I would like to admit. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else.

I’m not saying that you should pursue anything with a woman just because she happens to like you. That’s not fair to you or her. What I am saying is that, unlike Steve Urkel, it is high time that you accepted and valued yourself and acted accordingly. Be that nerd, geek, inventor, basketball player, and have the balls to ask Laura out once. If she doesn’t make herself available to you, have the balls to keep it moving. You have nothing else to prove to anyone, and that includes her. Instead of fixating on the one who never has time, focus your efforts on people who make time. Like a wise man once told me, don’t try to fit in with anyone. Instead, find people who fit in with you. Your romantic relationships should be no different.

You are enough.You are more than how society tries to make you feel; which in turn makes you feel like you want to buy their products so they can make money off of your insecurities. If you think that’s all in my head, watch how the media treats women. Those makeup ads and magazine covers tell women that they’re not good enough every day. She must wear this brand of make-up so that he can think she’s pretty; until the make-up comes off and he calls the police to report an intruder in his home.  She must have this (photo-shopped!) body for him to find her desirable; until he gets irritated because she’s asked him for the hundredth time if she looks fat.  Follow “The Rules”, and he will love her; until he figures out that she’s playing head games and runs into the arms of a woman he can actually trust to be honest with him. It’s cool to wear makeup, work out for the body you want, and have standards for your dating life; but not when the intent behind it involves losing yourself to catch a man, and the same goes in reverse.  Convincing people to feel inadequate and then offering them a manufactured way to improve is an old hustle that has simultaneously made money for businesses and ruined people’s lives for years. If you think that such a lucrative strategy targets only women, you’ve already been duped. Smarten up and think for yourself, or you’ll be a sucker too.

Call me a critic. Call me old-school, but I think Urkel Syndrome can be cured by thinking for yourself, loving yourself, and only hanging with people who appreciate the real you. Pickup techniques work in the short-term(sometimes) until your confidence is tested. If you believe in those techniques more than yourself, you will fail because real people can smell your fakeness a mile away. Wearing the right clothes is entirely too subjective. The reaction I get from women doesn’t really change whether I’m wearing jeans, sweatpants, a shirt and tie, or a suit. I wear whatever makes me feel comfortable at the time because the right people will be drawn to the man under the clothes, not the clothes themselves. I’m often wary of anyone who actually thinks that the clothes make the man. Such superficiality usually doesn’t lend itself to anything positive, and if it’s not positive, I don’t want it. There’s really no reason to settle for less.

Look, at the end of the day, there is just no substitute for being yourself and accepting yourself for your strengths and improving your weaknesses. You are enough, and if there is anything about you that you are not satisfied with, work at it. Improve upon yourself. Don’t try to be someone else, and don’t try to impress the people around you by subscribing to a load of nonsense that makes you feel inadequate. Like the title of this blog suggests, I want everyone who reads this to be themselves with no apologies. Unless you do that, you will never be happy. When you do, you won’t be able to see yourself living any other way. With that thought, I leave you with this awesome speech from Ashton Kutcher. Apparently, he never lost sight of the fact that he was enough. If that’s good enough for him, then why not you? You are who you are. Accept yourself, and don’t bother with anyone who can’t accept you.

You are enough, my friends.

No Apologies,

G. Miller

p.s. This will be my last post for the next three weeks as I study myself silly for the bar exam. Next installment: July’s Rule Your Nation Awards.

Photo Sources:

Steve Urkel:×324.jpg

Laura Winslow:


Stefan Urquelle:

The Rule Your Nation Awards: Live your life to the fullest!

This week’s post is an introduction to the Rule Your Nation Awards. On the last Sunday of every month, I will highlight someone who exemplifies what it means to Rule Your Nation. Qualifications include: standing up against injustice, achieving a great milestone, acting with courage, or anything else that shows that you are just an awesome person in general. Everyone is in control of their lives and the trajectory it takes. Today, I will give credit to four people who have decided to take control of their lives and live them to the fullest.

Kyle Carpenter from wikipedia

Corporal William “Kyle” Carpenter

This Marine recently received the Medal of Honor for diving on top of a grenade to protect his friend. After the explosion, Carpenter was severely injured and underwent nearly 40 surgeries. While he was being treated, Carpenter flat lined three times, but he recovered and is now retired. It’s impressive enough that this man is willing to fight for his country and keep us all safe. With this act, he went the extra mile for his fellow Marine and showed the willingness to pay the ultimate sacrifice.

It takes a lot of selflessness, self-control, and unflinching bravery to do what Carpenter did. It is unlikely that he was thinking about his own recognition when he put his life on the line, and that is all the more reason why he deserves it. The Medal of Honor was made for people like him. Much respect to you, Corp. William Kyle Carpenter. You Rule Your Nation better than all of us with bravery. This writer salutes you.

Kawhi Leonard ESPN

Kawhi Leonard

Kawhi Leonard is a 6’7, 230 lbs. small forward for the new NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs. This year marks only his fourth season in the NBA, but he was named the Finals MVP after battling the basketball behemoth that is Lebron James. Leonard is the youngest NBA player to earn that award since his teammate Tim Duncan won it in 1999. As great as that feat is alone, it’s how he won the award that truly matters. Kawhi Leonard doesn’t talk trash. He’s not all over the media. He is literally only known for what he does on the court. Kawhi Leonard let his game speak for him to the tune of 17.8 points per game on 61 percent shooting against the Miami Heat.

There is also another reason that makes Leonard’s achievement extra special. In 2008, Kawhi Leonard lost his father to gun violence; finding out about his father’s death while he was riding in his mother’s car after a high school basketball game. Losing a loved one is always tragic, but in typical Kawhi Leonard fashion, he has pushed through to where he is now. It was only fitting that he held an NBA Championship Trophy and an MVP Award on Father’s Day. Much respect, Kawhi Leonard. You Rule Your Nation through actions alone, and few athletes can do it better.

Mario Balotelli from wikipedia

Mario Barwuah Balotelli

Mario Balotelli is an Italian soccer player who is also the son of Ghanaian immigrants. Despite growing up in Italy, Balotelli has endured racial prejudice from his own countrymen who have decided to throw bananas at him during his games; because that’s not ignorant in the slightest. Continue to play for your country in the face of such disgusting behavior is worthy of note. Still, Balotelli does not take the abuse lying down. After a loss during the World Cup, he decided to respond to some racist tweets:

“Perhaps, as some of you say, I’m not really Italian. The Africans wouldn’t have blamed one of their brothers. Never. In this, we black, as you call us, are light years ahead of you. Disgrace is not one that misses a goal or runs less or more. Disgraceful are these things (unfair criticism).”

Despite the fact that black people have lived in Italy for hundreds of years (look it up!), Balotelli apparently is not Italian enough for some people. If you don’t think that’ s insulting, try walking up to a black man in New York City and telling him he’s not a real American. This blog will always support people who speak up for themselves in the face of racial prejudice. Therefore, Mario Balotelli receives the Rule Your Nation Award. Congrats, Mario Balotelli. You are Ruling Your Nation by being yourself in the face of ridicule, and no one can take that away from you.

Olivia Wilde Wikipedia

Olivia Wilde

One of my favorite actors since she played Thirteen on House, MD, Olivia Wilde always came off to me as the kind of woman who was cool but didn’t tolerate disrespect. In light of her recent response to a movie review that implied that her “tush” was too good-looking for her to play a writer (or even a literate adult) in the film Third Person, I think my theory has merit. She replied on Twitter(paraphrasing), “Kiss my smart ass.” Not bad, Wilde. Not bad at all.

Aside from the fact that I’ve met a good number of intelligent, fine women who prove that review very wrong, the notion that being physically attractive negates the need for intelligence is an outdated relic. I personally like my women smart and hot, but I digress. The true issue here is that nobody says that a man is too good-looking for a career, so it shouldn’t be said about a woman. Kudos to you, Olivia Wilde. Never let someone tell you that you can’t do something; especially if it’s because of your tush (a.k.a because you’re a woman). You are Ruling Your Nation with the confidence necessary to live by your own standards. Keep it up, and show them how it’s done.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what I mean when I encourage you to Rule Your Nation. Be willing to go the extra mile. Let your actions speak for you. Be yourself, even in the face of disapproval. Live by your own standards. You don’t have to be a celebrity to do this. You just have to live your life without apologizing for it. I hope these stories blessed you as much as they blessed me. Now go out there and write your own!

Rule Your Nation, my friends.

No Apologies,


p.s. If anyone has any ideas for the month of July, contact me at All submissions will be considered, but only four will be chosen. Fame or notoriety is not required. Awesomeness is.

William Carpenter: Photo:

Kawhi Leonard:  Photo:  same link.

Mario Balotelli:  Photo:

Olivia Wilde:

The Jerk v.s. The Strong Man: Which will you be?

Women like jerks. Act like you don’t care, and they’ll run to you. Treat her like dirt, and she’ll stick to you like mud (shout out to my homegirl Amanda for that one!). These are the phrases you hear when people tell you that women like bad boys, and far too many men subscribe to this mentality. I always cringe when I hear guys complain that women always like Jerks for a few reasons.

Stop Being a Baby!

Let’s be real. The complaining guy is usually being a baby. You didn’t get the girl you wanted, she went with someone else whom you happen to not like, even if you’re justified in not liking him, and now you say that women like Jerks. This has nothing to do with her choice in men. You’re just frustrated because she didn’t choose you. I’ve been there. It’s no fun. Get over it. Oh, and for God’s sake, don’t become a Jerk because you think that’s what it takes to meet women. I’ll explain why I’m saying that in a moment.

Don’t Be the Jerk. Be the Strong Man!

Still, there are some women who genuinely do like Jerks. I’ve heard women describe, with a smiles on their faces, a man who was testy and hot-tempered. I’ve seen women giggle with delight at the mention of a man fighting someone. I’ve even seen some women try to get me to compete over them with another man (i.e.: “You know, Jon’s coming over too.”). Usually the other guy falls for it, and tries to cut me down and talk over me while she waits for my response with a wide smile on her face. Once I figure out what’s going on, I just walk away; much to the chagrin of the woman who tried to get us to butt heads over her as if we were her pet Billie goats. She is clearly trying to manipulate a desired reaction out of me, and I won’t give it to her. She’s looking for a weak Jerk who needs to clamber over another man’s shoulders to get a date, and she’s not going to find one here.

Ever wondered how you look when you compete for a woman? Yep. Sexy.

Before we get into why some women like Jerks, and why some don’t, I’ll describe the Jerk. Popular culture tells you that women like the Jerk because he’s the alpha male. Aside from the ineffectiveness behind “alpha male” culture in general (refer to my previous post “Rule Your Nation”), giving this designation to a Jerk is inaccurate. The Jerk is not a leader. He is callous, cruel, rude, selfish, controlling, dishonest, and manipulative. When he sees a girl he likes, whom you happen to be talking to, he tries to push you out of the way by talking over you, trying to get you to do what he says, and even standing between you and her. I once watched a guy literally surround a woman I was talking to with a group of his friends and then escort her to class just to make sure she only spoke to him.

Yes, you read that correctly, and I hope you laughed as hard as I did when I wrote it.

The Jerk thinks that the world revolves around him, and anyone who thinks differently is guilty of blasphemy; or just makes him insecure. This doesn’t stop at women and relationships. If the Jerk wants your position at work, he’s coming after you. Instead of working hard and moving up, he resorts to sabotage and manipulation. He will talk behind your back and try to get everyone on his side as he moves to isolate you with rumors and false allegations. If he succeeds, you’re packing your stuff. If he fails, you now have to watch your back every day as you look for a new job.

If you disagree with the Jerk, or do the slightest thing he doesn’t like, well, that’s just unacceptable. He will challenge you to a fight for the following reasons: you looked at his girlfriend, you rooted for the other team during a basketball game, or you spilled ketchup on his shoes. Does that sound ridiculous? Yes. Does it also sound familiar? It should. Everyone has met a Jerk, or even been one at some point in our lives. He’s not a good person to meet or emulate, and if you are still a Jerk, I pity you. You can change, and I recommend that you do.

What do women see in Jerks?

So why would a woman like this kind of man? The answer is surprisingly simple. She is looking for a Strong Man, and she thinks that she has found him. Why shouldn’t she? The Jerk certainly seems strong at first glance. He looks out for himself. He is willing to fight for what he wants. He is willing to compete for her; which OF COURSE means he must really love and value her. In her eyes, the Jerk is a confident go-getter and protector in a dangerous world. What woman wouldn’t want that?

Of course, that perception screeches to a halt when the Jerk’s aggressive, controlling nature turns on her. Her admiration stops when he insists on driving her everywhere she goes, answers her phone calls for her, and demands that she change her clothes before a date if they’re not to his liking. Her admiration ceases when he puffs up and gets territorial (a.k.a insecure) every time she talks to another guy; even if he’s a friend of hers. She then realizes that the Jerk wasn’t competing over her because he liked her. He was competing because he wanted to win, and she is now his prized possession; which really means that she is an object that he owns.

It’s around this point in the relationship that the woman dating The Jerk realizes that she might have made a mistake. She realizes that his strength doesn’t really protect. It actually causes her more problems than he is worth. Her appreciation for his strength weakens when he screams at a guy for looking at his girl; not her name, just “his girl”. Her appreciation for his strength decreases further when he gets into a fight at her favorite restaurant for the third time, and they’re not allowed back anymore. Her respect for him wanes when he meets his match and catches a beat down, and she now has to pick him up in the emergency room; because there is nothing sexier than a man who just got stomped out like a cigarette.

A Strong Man protects his girlfriend from a couple of Jerks.

While I’m on this subject, let me use the above clip to make this distinction. Fighting to protect your girlfriend is honorable and will definitely earn a woman’s love and admiration. Fighting out of jealousy, or to prove who has the bigger dick, is embarrassing and a quick way to lose her respect for you; doubly so if you lose. After she drops him off from the hospital, the woman breaks up with The Jerk (from a safe distance and usually via text), and starts to wonder where all the good guys are. Meanwhile, the good guys have long forgotten about her after labeling her as “the girl who dates jerks.” Sadly, her search for a Strong Man continues.

There are many reasons why the Jerk is, well, a Jerk. He might come from a family of Jerks. He might have been a nice person who grew up in an environment full of Jerks and turned into a Jerk because he felt that was the only way to gain respect. He might be a sociopath regardless of his environment. There are also many reasons why the woman dates the Jerk. She might be a Jerk herself, and they subsequently have a lot in common (Why does almost nobody think of this explanation?). She might have grown up in a family of Jerks, and it’s all she knows. Either way, this girl chose a Jerk over you because she equates the Jerk with strength. Logically, that means that she equates you with weakness.

Fortunately for you, she is wrong. You don’t have to be a Jerk to be strong, and real Strong People know that. In fact, being a Jerk is often a sign of weakness. I will illustrate a perfect example from my childhood. While I was in middle school there was a kid who sat in the back of the bus. We’ll call him Gary for now. Gary was older than the other kids, and he felt like that gave him the right to push other kids around. One day, he decided to throw rubber bands at people’s heads. Everyone got mad and told him to stop, but he didn’t listen. However, when he aimed his rubber band at a boy we’ll call Brandon, their conversation went as follows:

Brandon(with a calm voice): “Don’t put that in my face.”

Gary: “Or what?”

Brandon: “Or I’ll punch you in the face.”

Gary, being The Jerk that he was, flicked the rubber band right in Brandon’s face. Brandon promptly rose up and punched Gary so hard that his head bounced off the emergency door. When the bus driver eventually broke up the fight, Gary was bleeding and Brandon wasn’t. Brandon was the victor, and Gary’s embarrassment could have been avoided had he just left him alone. Gary remained in his seat in the back of the bus for the remainder of the school year, but he never bothered Brandon again. Being a Jerk to Brandon wasn’t worth the hassle.

Perhaps it’s because I grew up in New England where punks need not apply, but I’ve always seen this story play out. The Jerk acts like a Jerk, gets a girlfriend because he’s a Jerk, then the Jerk loses that girlfriend when someone gives him the business for being a Jerk. The strongest, toughest guys I knew growing up were almost never Jerks, but they had a knack for beating up Jerks, and it was usually in front of the girl that the Jerk was trying to impress. I learned from them that a real man doesn’t go out of his way to disrespect someone; not unless he wants to get slapped. The Jerk never seems to understand this, until you actually slap him.

Due to my slight build and laid back demeanor as a kid, I grew up the target of Jerks. As I got older, I learned that sometimes hitting the Jerk is the only way to get the message across to him that you are not to be trifled with. Politeness and respect doesn’t faze him. Reasoning with him draws laughter. Warnings are ignored. He only responds to a firm no followed with firmer action. I remember when a kid in high school literally grabbed my food during lunch and held it in his hands. I demanded it back. He then stuffed his face with the food that I paid for. I hit his face so hard that the rest of our table stopped eating. They then laughed at that Jerk for a good five minutes. He never touched my food, or sat at that table, ever again. When I worked as a bouncer, we once had a customer who was a Jerk and decided to shove one of the servers. When he pushed me, I shoved him by his throat, and my co-worker threw him out on the sidewalk. As far as I know, that Jerk never came back after that night. Jerks may appear intimidating to the faint of heart, but they’re usually nothing when you fight back.

Of course, Jerks aren’t always physically aggressive. I’ve encountered my fair share of Jerks at work and school who push for what they want without any regard for compromise. Obviously, it’s not a good idea to hit people in your adulthood, but you still have to stand up for yourself. So I say no. A lot. They are ALWAYS shocked when I say no. Then they push again. Then I say no again. This cycle continues until they learn that I cannot be moved. I don’t consider myself a Jerk, but when I’m dealing with a Jerk (male or female), I decide to be every bit as stubborn and mean about doing the right thing as they are about doing wrong. You will respect me, or you will get out of my face. Such strength in the face of adversity shocks the Jerk’s God complex. He usually has no clue how to handle it.

History is full of Strong People who are not Jerks, but I’ll use one of my favorite examples. Bruce Lee was not a Jerk, and he was as strong as they come. He was 5’7 and weighed no more than 170 lbs., but he could crack your chest with a punch or kick you across the room with his raw strength and flawless technique. Bruce wasn’t perfect, but you never hear anyone call him a Jerk or anything equivalent to it. You never hear about Bruce Lee disrespecting his wife. You never hear about Bruce Lee going out of his way to push people around; despite the fact that he could have gotten away with it. In fact, the most common stories you hear about Bruce Lee fighting anyone was when he was pestered into it by a Jerk looking to prove his manhood. In one instance, Bruce literally knocked the Jerk out with one good kick and walked out of the room like a father who had just finished spanking a child ; leaving him to think about what he had done.

That’s essentially what the Jerk amounts to; a child. Children only think of themselves. Children throw fits until you give them their way; or until they realize that they’ll never get their way. When a woman purposely dates a Jerk, it’s because she is very likely as childish as he is. Who you date often reflects how you view yourself, and she sees a Jerk as the best she can get. She confuses his childish temper tantrums with the roar of a Strong Man because she hasn’t heard the real thing before; not until the real thing stomps all over her Jerk boyfriend when he steps out of line. However, sometimes the stomping isn’t even required.

How to Handle a Jerk.

Strong Men never give the Jerk what he wants, even if it’s a fight.

Do you want to know how Strong Men respond to a Jerk? We actually don’t use violence unless we’re provoked. After all, only a fool goes around getting into senseless fights. We don’t even argue with him. Why waste your breath arguing with a child? Instead, we ignore him. I once had a guy challenge me to a fight after watching a basketball game at a sports bar. His team lost, and he didn’t like the fact that I was happy about it (I was actually happy that I had won a bet). So he commanded that I step outside so he could “kick my ass”. Did I step outside with him? Nope. Did I puff my chest, raise my chin, and use a deep commanding tone to proclaim that I was the stronger man? Nope. I ignored him. I grabbed the nearest woman and took her dancing. I then left the bar with that woman and bid him and his group of friends goodnight. He never threatened me again, and I didn’t have to raise a finger. When a Jerk tries to rain on your parade, violence is not always the answer. Living your life and having fun, despite his efforts to ruin your night, can hit just as hard as any punch. Never let a Jerk draw you into a fight that you don’t want with mere words alone. Doing so gives him way too much power over your life. Don’t give him that much respect. Nobody else with a good head on their shoulders would; especially women.

Strong Women don’t want Jerks. At all.

Strong Women are disgusted by Jerks. Can you find the Jerks in this clip? She did.

All women don’t date Jerks. In fact, Strong Women dismiss them every day. This is one of the many reasons Strong Women are so awesome. They don’t need a control freak Jerk who can “handle” them because they are perfectly capable of handling themselves. They’re not out looking for strength because they have plenty of it in spades, and they are only attracted to a man’s strength when it complements their own. The Strong Man possesses this kind of strength, and the Jerk always lacks it. When you’re a Strong Man, and you’re talking to a Strong Woman (as you should be), the Jerk tries to cock-block. Some people may tell you to stand in his way. They tell you to mark your territory like a real alpha male should.


If you buy into that, you’re thinking on the same low level as the Jerk. Strong Men recognize that women go where they please, not where you’ve forced them, and you’re certainly not going to force a Strong Woman to go anywhere. The truth is that if you have to compete for a woman’s attention, you’re talking to the wrong woman and should move on. Therefore, instead of competing with the Jerk, simply ignore him. If you’re talking to a Strong Woman who recognizes you as a Strong Man, she’ll brush him off so she can continue talking to you. For example, here’s what happened when a Jerk tried to cut in while I was talking to a Strong Woman:

Jerk: “Hey!”

Strong Woman (looking at me): “………”

Jerk: “Hey, why don’t you and I get out of here-”

Strong Woman: “Uh…..No.”

Jerk: “Yeah, we can head out and have a threesome!”

Strong Woman: “Ok! I really like threesomes….as long as they’re not with you.”

See what I mean? The Jerk walked away, and I got her phone number. His aggression didn’t help him because he wasn’t talking to a little girl who knew nothing about strength and would subject herself to trailing behind a Jerk. He was dealing with a Strong Woman. I grew up in a family full of Strong Men and Strong Women who taught me to be strong. I tend to attract Strong Women everywhere I go like bees to honey. They’re all different, and they have their strengths and weaknesses, but they all have one thing in common. Strong Women ALWAYS recognize a Strong Man. They recognize his passion for life, his respect for his fellow man, his zeal in the defense of his loved ones, and his tireless work ethic that brings him a strong mind, body, and spirit. She recognizes him as her equal, and she can pick him out of a crowd. A Strong Man makes her heart pump and her thighs quiver with desire. The sight of a Jerk upsets her stomach and draws bile from the bottom of her throat. For her sake and yours, be of the heart pumping, thigh quivering variety. That usually ends well.

So as I said earlier, if you see a woman dating a Jerk, and it upsets you, just get over it. She has made the choice that she has a right to make, and if he’s truly a Jerk, so be it. It’s not your problem, and you don’t have to save her from the choice she has made (unless she’s actually in physical danger). Be strong and stop being a baby about things you can’t control. The Jerk is a baby, and he tries to control everything. You’re better than him. Stand firm about being yourself and don’t compromise your beliefs because someone told you that being a Jerk is what it takes to get the girl. The truth is that being a Strong Man is what it takes to partner with a Strong Woman. Why you would settle for less than that is beyond me, but perhaps I’m biased. After all, I have no intention on being a Jerk or bothering with a woman who prefers one. Being myself and being comfortable with myself gets me by just fine, and it will do the same for you.

Be strong, my friends.

No Apologies,
G. Miller

Lessons from my Father(s)

Picture of Grandpa Philip outside of his old barbershop in Ansonia.

Picture of Grandpa Philip outside of his old barbershop in Ansonia.

In honor of Father’s Day, this post is dedicated to the father figures in my life. I’ll start off by saying that I didn’t know my biological father all that well. When he and my mother divorced, I was very young, and I only remember seeing him every once in a while. However, I have no sob story about missing a father because the men in my family stepped in and played an important role in my life that I will never forget. I am indebted to them for molding me into the person I am today. So I will highlight the lessons that they have instilled in me, not only through conversation, but by acting as living examples.

Be a Visionary

Tom is my stepfather by technicality only. I consider him my father because he has raised me since the age of eleven. During that time, I watched him take small ideas and turn them into big ones. He always possessed a level of ambition that I, as a boy who liked to stay inside and read, couldn’t quite understand at first but learned to respect. He has always been a dreamer, but he always knew how to make his dreams come true.

Born and raised in Bridgeport , Connecticut, Tom did not come from a whole lot of money. However, by the time I was a college student, we had a lavish home in a quiet suburb that he designed himself with no contracting experience. He just had an idea, and he followed through with it until he succeeded. Tom always tells me this principle:

“Don’t let anybody tell you that you can’t do it. Don’t let anyone take your dream away from you.”

Now, whenever I get discouraged, or whenever someone tries to cut me down, I remember those words. They carried me through law school, and I’ll get to that in a moment.

Fight for what you Believe

Fight for what you believe.Tom also taught me to fight for my beliefs. During law school, I didn’t always fit in with the crowd. I naively thought that having a good idea meant that I would get support from my peers. During my first year, it didn’t always work out that way. There were moments when all I wanted to do was pursue a passion and do good work. All I wanted to do was enjoy my law school experience, but the second I got the ball rolling on something, there was always someone there to try to interfere with it. Some students even resorted to lies, manipulation, and spreading rumors in their attempts to trip up my efforts and isolate me. It felt like there was a hidden agenda being pursued, and I was not supposed to be a part of it. Sometimes that’s the price of being different and stepping outside of people’s expectations of you, and I was certainly paying it.

Fortunately, three things happened during my law school experience. First, the good people I met at school never wavered and always supported me. Second, Tom was behind me the whole way encouraging me to stand up for myself and never let anyone push me around. Sometimes it worked in my favor. Other times it didn’t. However, nothing would have worked out if I didn’t have the principles instilled in me to stand up for what’s right, no matter how unpopular that stance may be. To this day, I instinctively speak up when someone does wrong. I don’t speak up because I’m a showboat, a holy roller, or an activist. I was raised by a father who I watched do the same thing every day, and I decided to follow the example that he set for me. Third, I graduated because of the support of my friends and family that gave me the strength to fight for myself when faced with some intense opposition. I was raised to not let anyone take away my dreams; not without a fight. So far, I have a pretty good record.

Always express Love to your Loved Ones

My mother’s stepfather, and my grandfather, Philip, was another huge influence in my life as a child. Despite his slight frame, he had a deep voice that could carry his North Carolina accent down the street and strong hands that felt like they could bend steel when he held my head still to cut my hair. However, he was the most loving and gentle man I’ve ever known. I remember the days when he took me and my brother out to eat every Tuesday, lit a fire in the basement, watched television with me every night, and even took me outside for golfing lessons. However, there’s one moment with him that is forever etched in my memory. One day, he called me and my brother downstairs to speak to us. He looked at me through his shaded glasses and said:

“I was driving down the street and saw an ambulance and some police cars. Turned out somebody hit a boy who was riding a bike just like yours. I couldn’t stomach it. I had to see your face and make sure you were ok.”

For any fathers reading this, don’t ever think that your children don’t remember when you make statements like that. I’m living proof that they do. Keep it up.

You Reap What You Sow

I didn’t often see my biological grandfather, Barney, during my childhood, but I decided to move in with him in Colorado after I graduated from college. It became apparent that we grew up in two different worlds. I grew up in the suburbs of Connecticut. Though I had a fair share of peers who were involved in criminal activity, I was always able to stay away from it. Barney grew up in Mississippi and had to hunt for his own food. He then managed to live in the most dangerous cities across the nation; including East St. Louis and the Watts neighborhood of Los Angeles. In those areas, the criminal element comes to you. By the time he was my age, he had learned a variety of ways to survive. He taught me a few tricks to help me defend myself from manipulative people, and that advice came in handy when I moved to Chicago. However, there was one phrase that he used over and over again:

“Son, you will always reap what you sow. That means that if you sow apple seeds, you won’t get corn. You’ll get apples.”

Every day I see this principle in action. I watch people looking for a desired result with no idea of how to get there, and when they don’t get it, they get angry at the world. Sometimes it’s comical. Other times, it’s quite sad. I refuse to be so stubborn, arrogant, and self-centered that I cannot see the error of my own ways. When I don’t get the desired result that I want, I look in the mirror and ask myself what I am doing wrong. I ask myself how I can sow the right seed to bear the fruit I hunger for. When I figure it out, I am always pleased with the results. In life, you will always reap what you sow. It’s up to you to figure out the seeds you have planted, the seeds you’re currently watering, and the fruit that comes as a result. Understand that, and life becomes much simpler. It certainly has for me.

Treat Respect like Money

On a particularly frustrating day, I sat down across from Barney and went on a tough-guy rant about how I was going to take respect from a certain person. I had it in my mind that clearly I had to do something to earn another person’s respect, even if it meant proving my toughness. Barney shook his head before he looked at me and said:

“If you have to earn someone’s respect, you’re hanging around the wrong people. You’re supposed to be respectful to people. Nobody should have to earn it from you.”

After that, I realized that respect truly is like money. Never be afraid to give it to someone, but if he doesn’t give it back, don’t give him any more. People who loan money and never get it back are usually chumps. The same goes with respect. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Simple mistakes can be overlooked, but people should only be allowed to cross the line once; whatever your line may be. I don’t care who they are. I don’t care how popular they are. I don’t care what they have done for you in the past. No one is allowed to disrespect you, and you are not required to spend time around anyone who does. There is so much freedom and power in understanding that, especially when you put it into practice. Cherish respect like money, and you’ll have a whole lot of it just the same.

The Right Woman could be the Best Thing to ever happen to You

Watching Tom and my mother for the past fourteen years has taught me what love looks like. I’m not saying that I have perfect parents, but after watching how some couples treat each other, I can confidently say that I have some damn good ones. A good marriage takes hard work and dedication, but clearly they’ve learned how to do it. After watching their example, I have a sixth sense. I can spot a happy or unhappy couple a mile away. I’m also learning how to tell if I’ll be happy with the women I meet.

I think the reason my parents were always so good to me as a kid is because they were always so good to each other, and they still are. They work together, pray together, watch movies together, dance together. They genuinely enjoy each other’s company. However, there’s one subtle thing I see them do that is a dead giveaway for a great relationship. When they walk together, they walk side-by-side. They don’t just call each other partners. They act like it every second of every day.

I’ve met women who are hell-bent on walking ahead of me as if they were superior to me in some regard. Women like that never last long with me. I’ve never seen my mother give Tom her back during a conversation, and if a woman tries that with me, she’ll look over her shoulder and find that I’m no longer there. I’ve seen men treat their girlfriends the same way, walking ten feet ahead of them as if they don’t exist. For me, there are few bigger red flags than when a man treats his girlfriend that way, and if I have a daughter, no man will be allowed to leave her behind on purpose and expect her to stick around. I have now learned that the only time I should give a woman my back is if she disrespects me and I am walking away from her to never return. Your back isn’t intended for people you care about. It’s reserved for people you don’t care enough about to look at. If someone gives you her back, and you don’t have to deal with her, don’t. Walk away and make sure she never sees you again.

My parents never give each other their backs. They give each other love, respect, and dedication, and that doesn’t happen unless you’re with the right person for the right reasons. Tom found the right woman for him, and she happened to be my mother. The two of them are all the proof I need that a positive relationship pays in dividends. Tom has taught me that settling for less would be a waste of time.

When you find the Right Woman, treat her like the Right Woman

My Uncle Bill also served as an example to me of how a man is supposed to treat his wife. At a family gathering at their house, he gave my aunt a note that she loved so much that she read out loud for all of us to hear. I won’t share the contents here, but I will say this. My Aunt and Uncle live in a very nice home. They have nice cars. They live in a safe neighborhood. However, that note was proof to me that none of those material possessions were what kept them together. It was the time, effort, and care behind writing such a thing that let my aunt know how much Uncle Bill valued their relationship.

As a single man in his twenties who has been engulfed in new age dating advice, I sometimes cringe at the thought of writing a woman a love note. In our dating culture today, that would be way too heartfelt, caring, and devoid of ulterior motives. Who would ever want that(cue the sarcastic tone)? The answer to that question is easy. Everyone may not appreciate it, but the right person will. So just save it for that person. That’s what Uncle Bill did, and that’s good enough for me.

Good People are Always Remembered.

Unfortunately, Philip passed away just over a year ago. I will always remember him as the strong but gentle man who lit a fire in the basement every night and smiled whenever he saw me come down to watch television with him. I will always remember him as the man who called me downstairs because he couldn’t bear the thought of losing his grandson. Whether he was taking me and my brother out to eat, or cutting my hair in his barbershop, I have nothing but the fondest memories of him. He was truly a positive influence in my life.

However, Philip was a positive influence on a lot more people than just me. When I attended his funeral in Bridgeport, I walked with my grandmother down the aisle and sat next to her in the front row of the church. When the preacher prompted the congregation to look around, I looked over my shoulder and saw two floors full of people; some of whom were standing from lack of seating. That church must have seated at least six hundred people. I always loved and respected Philip, but on that day I found myself in awe of him. I was in awe of the fact that I once woke up every morning and ate grits and sausage for breakfast in front of such a great man. Good people are always remembered because they can’t help but do good things, and I get the feeling that Bridgeport will always remember and love Philip. I know that I always will.

These are the lessons that I’ve learned from the men in my life. However, they still have a lot more to teach. Despite being the first person in my known family to go to law school, I find that they are still showing me the ropes. You see lawyers might wear nice suits and sometimes use big words(unnecessarily), but they are no different from Tom’s friends from the East End of Bridgeport; just like Philip’s customer’s at Carter’s Barbershop on Stratford Avenue or Barney’s old buddies from the billiards halls in Watts. I’m not going anywhere these men haven’t been; nor am I meeting anyone they haven’t met before. Therefore, I’m gleaning from them all the advice that I can get. As their son, it is my duty to represent them well, and I can never do that without learning from their successes and failures. The men in my life aren’t perfect, and neither am I, but we’re all good enough to band together when times get tough and push through anything. Thanks to them, I am convinced that there is nothing that I cannot achieve, and that’s a feeling that not everyone is lucky enough to have.

For those of you who have fathers, or father figures, in their lives right now, appreciate them. Call them. Hug them. Catch the game with them. Shoot some hoops with them. Love them for who they are day in and day out. Appreciate what you have in them because it can never be replaced. If you don’t believe that, come with me to Bridgeport, Connecticut and ask the hundreds of people who came to pay Philip their respects. They will be sure to tell you that there will never be another quite like him. It is my dream to leave a legacy just as strong as his. No one is going to take that dream from me or the right woman at my side; not without a fight. It is my hope that at the end of this post, you will feel the same way about the father figures who fought for you.

Happy Father’s Day!

No Apologies,


p.s. What lessons have you learned from your father (figure)? Feel free to share by commenting below!